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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Ketchup Is Not A Crime

You Know You Want Me...

Despite the gripes of various foodies and other "cultured" types, Ketchup is a perfectly acceptable and delicious condiment.  Who can eat fries without it?  Why does everyone hate on it so hard?  Oh, sorry Mr. Garlic Aioli, I forgot cheeseburgers have to be sprinkled with truffle oil and served on a toasted "artisanal brioche."  I'll take my burger with American cheese and good ole' Heinz 57 (I'll accept Hunts under dire circumstances).  And please don't try to make your own ketchup with chipotle or some other flash-in-the-pan gimmick that sells tickets to your shitty restaurant.  Does anyone seriously like chipotle?  It tastes like skoal and ruins precious dipping sauces by the gallon.  Never been a fan of "Micro-Ketchup" either, everyone knows Heinz is fancy enough--says it right on the bottle.  And don't get me started on organic Ketchup--these people have lost it.  Why is everyone looking for something better? Why mess with perfection?  The only time it's okay to boycott ketchup is when the Pats play the Steelers.  Lord knows the Steel City loves Theresa Heinz--the "Ketchup Baroness."  Poor leather-faced hag has a billion dollars and still has to fuck John Kerry--god love her.  Gimme a call some time TH, I'll show you the other side of Beacon Hill (the one where I hopefully won't have to pay for sex).   Some say Hines Ward keeps a few packets under his towel for a boost on third downs. Well I'm getting away from myself here. Just back the F off of ketchup and all of it's tasty glory.

Official Ketchup Rankings
  1. Heinz 57 - Old Reliable
  2. Red Gold - Great F'n Name
  3. Hunt's - Poor Man's Heinz
  4. Catsup - Never Touch The Stuff

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