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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Breaking News: Fat Hipsters Can't Ride Bikes

Dear Out-of-Shape Hipster,

Your recent transformation to hipsterdom doesn't give you balance, coordination, or any other skill you lacked in high school which lead to your eventual hipster lifestyle.  Just as your tight clothes curdled the eyeballs of onlookers long before you went hipster, your athletic ability still remains below acceptable levels for public display.  No amount of Pabst Blue Ribbon, off-season winter hats, or strappy leather jackets will cause normal society to accept you as a legitimate bike rider, so get off that $400 bike you bought with your dad's credit card, and spend your money on a gym membership, or even a fucking Vespa.

Should Be Riding a Stationary Bike

And you shouldn't aspire to be a cyclist because cycle-dudes annoy the shit out of normal drivers.  Either act like a car or a bike.  If you run a red light, don't act like I kicked your pregnant wife when I ignore your shitty hand signal.  You can't pick and choose which rules to follow.

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