6 sexual torture devices for retired executives

X Affordable Sexual Torture Devices for Retired Executives

Despite what you hear, everyone likes to get a little freaky--and retired rich white guys are no exception. Actually, after years of desperately trying to fit in and keep up with the Joneses, it’s not surprising that seemingly wholesome pillars of the community are actually sexually depraved lunatics. For this growing market of retired americans looking to spice up their Sunday mornings with physical pain and submission, here are a few of the finer sexual torture devices on the market.  Nothing special or elaborate, just reliable violent sexual products at a price that any social security recipient could afford.  

The Centre Cup

Calling all history buffs! Like any red-blooded american, you’ve been dying to bring some olde timey towne square embarrassment in the form of a pillory binding structure with a sleek modern design.  And with the low purchase price, you’ll never be so proud to be ashamed! 

The Swing Shirt

Gone are the days when buying restrictive sexual clothing required driving to “mixed race” neighborhoods.  Your liberal kids aren’t lying--internet style commerce is revolutionizing the sex torture market and the swing shirt is a perfect example.  The clever stitching and popping orange color will make any sub happy despite not having the use of his arms to defend himself against a hormone-fueled violent sexual attack.  Fun “Bahama Style” colors also available!

Perfect Connextion

Although different and far more painful than the Swingshirt, this torture device reminds the sub of their lack of control by restricting all blood flow below the biceps.  The strong titanium bar and functional rubber collars provide light-weight and durability for those long nights of disgusting perversion.  

Gold Flex

Not Pictured: Eagerly Awaiting Wrinkly Ball Sac

Talk about a monkey wrench!  Penetration and full swing contact are just a few of the many great uses of this revolutionary and affordable masochistic device.  Eager subs can either bend over or spread their gross legs for a quick punch towards sexual pleasure.  

Swingrite

The futuristic SwingRite can turn any quiet night at home into a shameful and embarrassing experience for even the most aggressive and competitive executives.  With little setup or assembly, the SwingRite is a convenient and fun sex weapon that will appease even the most gluttonous of perverse appetites!