Doesn't matter what kind, what color, what size hemi, how many Calvin-pissing-on-something stickers...every guy who drives one wants to kick your ass. They drive too fast, ride your ass, cut you off for the fun of it, all while flipping you the bird and telling you to pull over so they can kick your ass. 9 out of 10 of these guys either have a barb wire or tribal tat and will kick your ass. They think the "shocker" hand sign is fucking hilarious, Andrew Dice Clay was a "genius", Opie and Anthony are "Gods", Staind "fucking rocks" and they will kick your ass. Road rage isn't an "unfortunate incident" it's a way of life and they will kick your ass.
2. Motorcycles
There are 2 camps of motorcycle riders. The hot-shot sport bike riders and the grizzly "I may or may not have gone to 'Nam/I may or may not have done time" Harley riders. The hot-shot sport bike riders drive 300 mph at all times and weave in and out of traffic like it's a video game. They have at one point in their lives bleached their hair blonde and/or had frosted tips. They "live for speed". Admittedly, I don't really mind these guys as they usually stay out of your way and I know that eventually they will get into a horrific accident from driving too fast.
The Harley riders have the same "the fuck are you looking at?" mentality as truck owners but it's usually just posturing. The majority of them are weekend warriors who have legit, well paying jobs, nice families and a nice house. But once Friday afternoon hits they take their "sweet ride" up to Laconia to hang out with their fellow "brothers of the road" and compare tattoos and talk about "that time I got into it with a guy in a pool hall". My main problem with this camp is the noise level of their "hogs". Tone it down bro, we get it. You ride a motorcycle that goes vroom. We're all impressed.
With that said, there are also the "legit" Harley riders who did go to 'Nam, have done time, have "friends in the Hell's Angels", and WILL kick your ass. These guys are fucking awesome and are great and are welcome at my house for Thanksgiving dinner and please don't hurt me.
3. Brand new Honda Accords
These guys are much more subtle than the previous two, which in some ways makes them more annoying. I have some level of respect for the first two because they know they're assholes, they embrace it. The Honda Accord bros give off a level of sophistication at first glance but underneath all that AXE body spray there is a slime ball trying to hit on your girlfriend. These guys are usually mid-level sales guys who make a pretty good living but still live in Southie with 5 guys and secretly think they are Gordon Gecko. They have gelled hair, expensive sunglasses, rock Brooks Brothers ties and get "completely wrecked" at The Harp on weekends. Their dickhead driving moves include swerving between lanes like they are auditioning for Fast & The Furious, not letting you merge, not letting you pull out of somewhere, trying to race you at stop lights, staring you down at stop lights and just looking like cocks. They like Dane Cook's "earlier stuff", talk a lot about gambling and "lines" and "parlays", listen to Lil' Wayne and try to get "as much pussy as possible". Honda Accords are pretty nice cars so maybe it's just jealousy speaking.
4. Bicycles
Listen, I get it. They're cheap, better for the environment, healthy, and they make you look "socially conscious"...but you're a fucking asshole if you ride a bike in a city. Hey if you wanna ride your sick bike with a vintage handle bar in the country by your organic fruit farm on your way to the organic coffee shop so you can discuss Infinite Jest with your organic friends, knock yourself out. But in a city, leave that thing in your studio apartment next to your Bob Marley poster. The city is narrow, packed with people, packed with cars, packed with everything. You're ruining peoples' lives. My main problem with cyclists though is the complete "freedom" in which they can ride these stupid things. You wanna be treated like a car? Then don't blast through red lights. You wanna be treated with respect? (never gonna happen) Then don't nonchalantly ride your Schwinn in the middle of the road as I'm trying to get to McDonald's to eat non-organic food made by a corporation or to the park to throw trash everywhere and spray aerosol into the o-zone.
5. Ferraris
Hi Mr. Ferrari owner. You're middle-aged, you've obviously worked your ass off to get where you are in life. You deserve everything you get. You've created a great life for your friends and family because of your wealth. You're the man. Fuck you. No one likes someone who gloats. All that money you spent on a Ferrari could've been put to helping out a better cause, like my house fund or getting bicycles off our streets. Just remember the next time you are cruising around the Hamptons, drinking Michelob Ultra's with your third wife and picking caviar out of your teeth with $100 bills that this blogger hates you and is going to run you off the road with his truck and kick your ass.
I'd like to add Subaru owners. Crunchy fleece vest-wearing latte sipping liberals that detest "the drones of society" while they toot around Cambridge eating tarts with their friend Adrian. I recently saw one with a sticker that said "eat more kale." Really? Kale? Did you heavily invest in kale futures or did your wife user her trust fund money to start the larges organic kale farm in Sudbury? I'd like to put on those shoes that look like bare feet and kick these people in their elitist faces.
ReplyDeleteFor the brand new civic owners, don't forget how their biggest event of the year is "country-fest duhde". "You drivin' the new civic to country fest dis year duhd??" "Na duhd, me n' my bros got a fahkin huge pahty bus instead duhd".
ReplyDeleteBreak out the cowboy hats or kill yourself. Country fest would be a great spot for a terrorist attack.
ReplyDelete