These Shoes Were Made For Talkin: What Your Shoes Say About You

Depressing Yet Stylish

Chunky White New Balance - The Air Boozebag  

Complete and desperate alcoholic. Please find me a wearer of these shoes that isn't drinking or looking to drink.. If you purchase these shoes you receive four free bar pizzas at the Alumni in Quincy, and they’ll throw in a twelve pack of natty ice if you buy the accompanying faux-leather patriots jacket.  Take a look outside the Alumni, or any shitty Quincy bar for that matter, and feast your eyes on the number of aging barflies that sport these kicks.  It was once explained to me, by a very wise man, that boozebags wear wide soled shoes because their feet swell.  That’s one explanation, but I think they need the extra stability walking home after 47 Bud Lights.

At least They Aren't Filled with Douchebag

Gorilla Feet: Total Fitness Geek

As Kenny Powers once said “I play real sports, not trying to be the best at working out.” This guy bikes to work, takes the stairs, and rearranges his workspace for optimum spine alignment and core utilization.  When he drives, his “26.2” sticker makes other drivers homicidal. If you mention that three-mile hungover jog your girlfriend made you do, he’ll burn your ears about cross-fit and hot yoga. The entire gym hopes a 45 lb plate lands on his toes.  Are we so enlightened and self-important that we disregard shoes for working out? I understand you don’t need the old school BK Knights to do one legged-squats, but is building the tendons in your ankle really worth looking like a weirdo? If your boss sees you wearing these, you'll be fired.

Lookin' Good for River Rave

Weird Model Adidas Shell Toe: Time Stopped in 1999

If they put their mini-disc player back into their cargo pockets and removed their tribal graphic sunglasses, they might realize that adults shouldn’t shop at Old Navy.  These guys end up looking like a TRL audience member pining over Carson Daly.  I don’t even know where one buys these shoes anymore, but they always end up on some dude wearing carpenter jeans with a goatee. These guys all must go to a convention and trade ribbed turtleneck sweaters, otherwise I have no explanation how they find each other and keep buying these shoes.

Fake Adidas Shell Toe: Down and Out and Under 30

Can't Trade These for Meth

This guy has nothing but big fat white new balances in his future, but for the time being, he has to keep up appearances and save a buck. Times are hard, oxycontin is expensive, and Payless is slingin' fake whites on the reg. Who will know the difference? If this guy can find some Celtics track pants big enough to hide that embarrassing fourth stripe, he might get away with it. These shoes are also known as "Fajitas", and a dude that rocks them probably spends his entire unemployment check on parliament lights and Captain Morgan until he's drunk enough to abuse his girlfriend.