TV shows aren't a great endorsement for marriage. From the man's perspective, the woman is there to nag, question, bitch, then take all the money through divorce. But it wasn't always this way. In the 50s and 60s, when women were still property, the Ralph Kramdens and Archie Bunkers of the world could threaten physical violence, and good laughs were had by all. Not a great sitch for females.
As women became "equals", TV husbands fell into one of two categories. Bumbling incompetent idiots aiming to avoid their marital responsibilities or dickless drones obeying their wife's beckoned call. While the "Real Housewives" reality show stars speak openly about their intention to ruin their husbands lives, the following women do it in a more subtle and effective way. As an engaged young man, I hope that marriage isn't this bad. But in honor of Ralph and Archie, here are some TV wives that may set marriage back for years to come.
1. Jill Taylor - Home Improvement: Jill was the real reason that Tim "The Tool Man" often grunted in pain. Jill, played by Patricia Richardson, was nagging shrew of a woman that perpetually bugged her successful and fun-loving husband. While Tim was cashing in on flannel jokes at the expense of hapless Al Borland, Jill was flapping her gums about her "psychology degree" or bugging Tim about his latest attempt at a good time. No surprise the poor guy tried to commit suicide so many times while "working on his hot rod." After viewing Jill's actions, I understand why Tim downed a bottle scotch and tried to shoot an apple off his head with a nail gun. Unfortunately Tim wasn't the sharpest tooth on the saw, and he always deferred to the advice of his passive hippie neighbor Wilson. Great idea, take life advice from a sixty year old man that lives alone, wears a Gilligan hat, and hasn't been laid since the Carter administration. Look where it got you Tool Man, a slave-master wife and goth son.
2. Skylar White - Breaking Bad: Your underachieving husband has cancer, and requires hundreds of thousands of dollars for treatment. He's a proud man, holding two jobs to support a family, and a brilliant chemist as well. What do you do? Without his consent, go to all of his chemist friends and show them a picture of his dickless body and beg for their money. Then, wipe your butt with his pride and flush his dignity down the toilet. The poor guy is dying of cancer, working two jobs, starting a criminal enterprise, but those are nothing compared to Skylar's bitching. "Walter do this, Walter hang out with my Sister, Walter don't sexually abuse me anymore." If I were Walt, I would've been taking bong rips of crystal meth years before cancer set in. Once she figures out how Walt made the money, what does she do? Kicks him out and fucks her boss. Great woman.
3. Bev Bighead - Rocco's Modern Life: Poor Ed Bighead. He used to be the most handsome man in O-Town, now he's running for his life. All he wants is a piece of the American dream; a house, a yard for his prized azaleas, and some piece and quiet from his horny, bitchy, raspy-voiced liver-lipped wife. When she isn't hanging her leg out the window tempting Ed into some ungodly love making, she's trying to bang Rocco, the lazy Australian neighbor. Rocco and his free-loading friends, including a cow raised by wolves and a neurotic turtle named Philbert are running amok in Ed's proud neighborhood. What's the world coming to when these freeloaders can buy any house in O-Town.
4. Peg Bundy - Married With Children: The only redeeming quality of Peg Bundy was that she had no self-respect and allowed her loser husband to openly disrespect her, and he should have. She sat there all day chomping bon bons, watching soap operas, and cranking cigarettes. Was it any surprise Al didn't want to bang after another long underpaid day at the shoe store? Al spent his days squeezing shoes onto fat women for minimum wage, and Peggy didn't work. Nonetheless, he came home each night to no supper and had to revert to eating his patented meal--the Tangwich. He hated Peg so much he started a group with his cronies Jefferson, Bob Rooney, Ike and some others called "No Ma'am" to advance the male species.
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