90s Sitcom Hookups That Should've Happened

Note: My buddy wrote this years ago, but I had to re-post it because it is fucking hilarious. 

For those of us who grew up in the 1990s, very few things were more frustrating than watching our favorite TV shows and not seeing the 2 people bang that should have been banging. Here’s my personal list of couples that never got it on, but totally should have.

Boy Meets World: Topanga Lawrence and Shawn Hunter

 

Hey baby, they call me Rider Strong for a reason.

I know what you’re thinking: what about poor Cory Matthews? If his best friend and lifelong soul-mate got together, that would break his poor little sensitive heart. Well let me tell you something about Cory Matthews—he was a little fucking dweeb. What with his feminine brillo-pad of a head and all. He, by his own admission, never sealed the deal with Topanga until they got married at the end, and that’s absurd. Look, I’m a huge proponent of abstinence and family values, but give me a break. Topanga Lawrence is way too much talent to be wasting away, especially in her prime. You don’t draft the number one overall pick, sign her to a huge contract, and never take her off of the bench. It’s bad business.

Meanwhile, you know Shawn Hunter would have hit that. He was the classic ne’er-do-well bad boy, he would have lit her up by freshman year. Plus, when you combine his ruffian attitude with Topanga’s eccentricities, you get a recipe for some fireworks. And as an added bonus, since he exhibited all the classic signs of a future wife-beater, the chances are pretty good that he would have scared her into submission before she put on the extra weight during the last year.

Saved By The Bell: AC Slater and Lisa Turtle

 

Bayside's missed opportunity

Lisa Turtle is one of the most underrated hotties of the 90s sitcom world. She had a killer body, a great face, and a fun attitude. She liked to shop, but so what? Her mom was a doctor so it’s not like you had to worry about giving her the cash. She just had that edge where you know she would rock your world. And what does she get for it? Nothing. Lisa never had a man. All she had was the horny Screech Powers running after her and making her life hell. That’s not fair.

Meanwhile, AC Slater was every girl’s dream: All-American good looks, star athlete, and a nice guy to boot. And what’s his reward? Losing out to that prick Zack Morris for Kelly Kapowski’s affection and being stuck with that uptight, self-righteous bitch Jessie Spano. Slater and Lisa were a match made in heaven. Too bad it was taboo to have a bi-racial, teenage couple in the early 90s. I think if Slater had hooked up with Lisa it would have helped a lot of dorky white guys like myself get over my lifelong fear of asking out hot black chicks.

Saved By The Bell: Mr. Belding and Miss Bliss

 

Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?

Haley Mills was a cougar, plain and simple. Meanwhile, Mr. B was constantly stuck dealing with his shrew of a wife Becky and his cow of a mother-in-law. Such a benevolent principal deserved better than that. It must have been tough for Mr. B to wander the halls and be teased by this British siren without being able to do anything about it. This one’s all about throwing a good guy a bone.

Step by Step: Cody Lambert and Dana Foster

 

Hey Dana, wanna see the inside of my van?

For those of you who don’t remember, Dana was the daughter in Step By Step that was a massive bitch. She was a humorless feminazi. That also means that she needed to get laid. She was a gorgeous blonde that just should have shut her mouth and used her looks to her advantage.

Cody would have been the perfect way to make that happen. Sure, he was a little bit of a simpleton, but he more than made up for that with his good-nature and infectious smile. His hilarity was the necessary ingredient to cut the tension that always fills the household of a blended family. He would have been the perfect counter-balance to mellow out the unbearable Dana. Plus, he could have done shit to piss JT off like grabbing her tits in front of him.

Full House: Danny Tanner and Aunt Becky

 

Let's make love, and then we'll change the linens together.

Danny Tanner was as nice a guy as they come. Sure he was a bit of a pussy, vacuuming and scolding his kids every so kindly-- but think about it. His wife dies tragically, leaving his life in shambles. So what does he do? He steps up, raises 3 great girls, and does it all with a smile on his face. And what’s his reward? A forced relationship with some iron-boxed wench named Vicky.

But then, to make matters worse, his mooch of a brother-in-law Uncle Jesse walks around all day with his super-hot, gorgeous wife, absolutely rubbing it in Danny’s face that he is banging her. Fuck that, and fuck that conceited, guitar-strumming douche bag. Danny should have been all over that.