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Friday, December 30, 2011

Underrated Character's of the 90's: Tony Perkis

One of the more underrated movies of my adolescence was easily 1995's "Heavyweights." The reason? Ben Stiller as "Uncle" Tony Perkis. This was early Stiller at it's best, before "Meet the Parents," "Zoolander," "Dodgeball," and all other Stiller comedies. Tony Perkis still holds up today, and reminds us why this guy got so popular in the first place, before such atrocities as "Night at the Museum." Lunch has been cancelled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Best of 2011: Deaths




Team Hell got a whole lot stronger this year. If I was a horrible person, I definitely would have wanted to die in 2011. Hell must be bumpin' right now! First Osama gets iced, then Moammar gets torn limb from limb by his own people, and now good ol' Kim Jong Il dies?! Talk about a TRIFECTAH! I mean, c'mon, Satan basically just got the evil equivalents of Tom Brady, Arian Foster, and Greg Jennings in the same draft.  God must be shitting his pants. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if God kills Tebow just to even the score.
"We Want You! Jerry Sandusky!"

Friday, December 16, 2011

Best of 2011: Movie

As far as movies go 2011 was about as exciting as seeing your sister's tits. If you have a brain the size of a pube follicle then you probably got a rise of out movies like Green Lantern, Scherlock Holmes II, and Immortals. But for those of us who dont get boners over B-Lister-ridden CGI porn, there actually were a couple of decent flix, among them Even the Rain (if you like foreign movies), Cedar Rapids, and the now overly hyped Bridesmaids. But the stand out movie for 2011 is most defiantly Drive.
I actually don't know what I liked more about this movie, the movie itself, or the reaction from the pissed off douche rockets in the theater who thought they bought tickets to see The Fast and Furious IX. This movie is certainly artsy-fartsy, and definitely has awesomely awkward moments, but the mix between heart stopping intensity, outrageously gruesome violence and tear jerking romance makes this movie un-fucking-forgettable. It also has a sick soundtrack that every hipster in Cambridge has been beating off to for the past six months.
If you haven't seen Drive yet, do it now! I dont think its out on DVD yet but everyone knows some greasy Asian kid who has a bootleg copy, so call up (insert Asian name) and get it done!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Leaders of Men: Carl Showalter--Kidnapper Extraordinaire

He's kinda funny lookin, he doesn't fuck around, and he's a kidnapper's kidnapper.  Carl gets a tip from fellow ex-con Shep Proudfoot that there's good money in kidnapping some St. Paul car salesman's wife.  He grabs fellow kidnapper Gaear Grimsrud to meet the car saleman, Jerry Lundegaard, and talk about the details.

Carl quickly tires of his partner's request for pancakes so he suggests hookers and steak.  This would be a great suggestion if the prostitutes in North Dakota actually looked like women.  But Carl is no looker, and many describe him as kinda funny lookin. When kidnapping goes sour, these hookers talk to a local cop and blow is cover, and more importantly, let the world know he's an anteater.




Carl is on the run and at risk of going back to jail, so he's gotta switch the plates on his stolen car.  He cleverly pulls into a snowy parking lot, steals someone's plate, and says, "I don't want to park here anymore."  The parking attendant won't allow it, so Carl launches into one of the best indictments of parking clerks of all time.  "These are the limits of your life man!"  Carl really needed that $4.



You tell 'em Carl!!  Anyways, now Carl has to exchange the money, but that pussy Lundegaard doesn't show up, it's some old guy.  Like any reasonable human being, Carl starts shooting, and kills the man, but not before he takes a bullet in the jaw.  But he's no pussy....you should see the other guy.




Unfortunately, Carl won't budge on a negotiation with Geaer, and he's made into smart-mouthed body chips, which ruins the prostitute industry in the great lakes region.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Adam Richman: "Go Fuck Yourself Everyone!"

I'm here.  I'm fat.  Get used to it. 

Is everyone ready to eat!?  Hey guys, it's me, Adam Richman!  The inventor of meat sweats, the human pig-roast, the captain of cholesterol!! I was born with an uncanny ability to ingest shit and dispense awful jokes, all at the same time.  Tonight I'll be at a Rochester bus station devouring American cheese and screaming recycled jokes from an All That episode!!  Come and cheer me on!

Oh, what's that you say?  There are starving people all over the world and I get paid millions to glorify obesity?  Well fuck you! So what if I consume enough calories to sustain an entire village of normal humans--I fucking love pastrami and no one can tell me what to do!! If all these poor hungry suckers abroad can string together enough recycled tin foil and steal a television, then I'm happy to entertain them.  A moral issue?  What moral issue?  Morals are an invention of the weak.  If there were a God, do you think I'd be so successful?  Do you think the throngs of fat, sweating middle-americans cheering me through my 75th johnny cake would be alive right now?  Of course not.

Look.... just look at the dynamic empire I've created!




No amount of spice in the world will keep me from my precious military jackets!! I don't care if I can't zipper them, I want an endless supply!  Give them to me now you idiots!! AHAHAHHAH!!!

I'm a millionaire for eating and being fat.  Fuck you Africa.

Crosby...OUT

sidney crosby crying GIF
Crosby is out again with concussion symptoms after getting hit by David Krecji. I like Crosby and all but something about him screams pussy. In the NHL you better be hangin a big one if you plan to survive.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Ask Tupac: Do you like British journalists?

Things that Chap my Ass #2



Just when I thought I couldn't hate Albert "next-in-line-to-get-busted-for-roids" Pujols any more than I already do, his wife goes on the airwaves and drops this gem:

"It's just like God, to put us on a team called the Angels."

First of all, YOU'RE NOT ON THE ANGELS, YOUR HUSBAND IS.

Secondly, GOD HAD NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH ANYTHING.  YOU'RE HUSBAND WANTED A SHITLOAD OF MONEY BECAUSE HE'S A GREEDY PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE AND COULD HAVE TOLD GOD TO EAT SHIT AND STAYED IN ST. LOUIS IF HE REALLY WANTED TO.

But seriously, I'm sorry.  For a minute there I thought I was talking about a normal, semi-rational human being.

No, but seriously.  The whole God fanatic thing chaps my ass to the point where no lotion or cream could possibly stop the blistering.  Goddamn Tim Tebow and his patented "First of all I want to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ" line is like throwing chili powder on my already reddened, peeling cheeks.  I'm all for freedom of speech/religion/whatever, but there's just something about this type of thing that gets me so aggravated.

What in the hell are you talking about???  Do you have a brain?  Are you listening to yourself?  What do you need to be saved from, Te-Blow?  Certainly not an empty bank account.  I don't get it. What I do get and understand are the people who use religion to make themselves and the world a better place.  What I don't get is where people get off believing that Jesus was factually a real person and that his word governs all.  Is it because some book says so?  Well hell, there's books that claim that leprechauns and mermaids were once real, should we start believing in them too?  (And actually, the more I think about it, the more plausible those myths seem).  Listen, don't get me wrong, I completely understand that it's just as likely that the Big J did exist than the likelihood that he didn't, but we'll never be able to prove it one way or the other.  So let's just agree to stop acting like the dude lives up the street and hands out free food and cures cancer all day in his free time.  Deal?

~"Chap my ass once, shame on you.  Chap my ass twice, shame on me."~
(famous saying of ancient lordlings of ass-chappage)

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Saul

From now on, a look of distant thought and concern will be known simply as "The Saul."



Anyone that hasn't been watching the new Showtime series Homeland is missing out....on a show that should be a miniseries but will inevitably continue far past any semblance of reality.  The premise of the show is interesting. Nicholas Brody (Damian "Pinch Face" Lewis) is a marine POW rescued from an Afghan prison after six years of torture.  He's welcomed home with a warm reception but for CIA agent Carrie Matheson (Claire Danes) who suspects him of being a terrorist--with good reason.  Lewis is most famous for his role in HBO's Band of Brothers, which you'll eventually hear from anyone that asks, "Do you watch Homeland?", and you respond, "No", so they'll respond, "Dood it's so fahkin sick it's like the guy from 'Band ah Bruthizz' if you liked that show you'll love this one."  Then you watch the show and realize that, not only does Damian Lewis' character have absolutely nothing in common with his character from Band of Brothers, but the two shows are nothing alike.  And you also get sick of  Damian Lewis because he's a ginger skeletor lookin' motherfucker.

Code RED

Anyways, back to Saul, the most ridiculous character on television right now.  Played by Manny Patinkin (Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride), Saul is a CIA veteran and Carrie's mentor.  He constantly walks the line between Carrie's rogue surveillance of Brody and CIA bureaucracy.  Sometimes he humors Carrie's thoughts and actions, and other times he scolds her for stepping out of bounds.  Regardless of where he stands, his demeanor is ALWAYS the same.  Wrinkled forehead, low tone, serious message.  Does this guy ever smile or have a drink?  C'mon Saully boy.  I know his job is serious, but could he just make an expression once in awhile?  He was a lot happier when he hung out with Andre the Giant.



Every scene with Saul and Carried involves Carrie freaking out about something, and Saul just Saulling the shit out of her.   "I know, it's dangerous, but you're doing the right thing", or "Carrie, that's reckless, how could you do such a thing?"  Concerned, distant, active, passive, pensive, vacant, thoughtful, happy, sad, horny = ONE LOOK and ONE TONE OF VOICE!! This guy is not Derek Zoolander.

"I'm incredibly happy for this joyous occasion."


"I wonder how I can better convey my
concern and disapproval."


     














Anyways, why do shows have characters like this? I know there are some serious people, but no one acts like this, he's worse than David Caruso.  It will be interesting to see how the character develops as Showtime rides this horse off a cliff, shoots it, rapes it, stabs it, poisons it, and crushes it up into horse paste and builds a paper mache horse to kill for a seventh season.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

O Happy Day



I wish I was capable of getting this happy about something. I envy you Francis....stay gold

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

HOLY SHITBALLS

Holy shit these eskimos are fucking maniacs. Watch this job and tell me you're not blown away.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Friday, December 2, 2011

How to Fart and Get Away With It

If you're like me, you're always finding ways to divert your farts from attracting the attention of co-workers or crowds at social gatherings.  Generally, after 15-20 fried snacks and half-pound of ground beef covered in cheese whiz, I feel like a shaken up soda can ready to "decompress."  These are times when a simple "crop dust" won't work.  I'm sure you've found yourself in one of the following situations, so here are some helpful tips and strategies to avoid embarrassment and decreased social standing.

1. The Smother - After a pound of tortilla chips covered in chili and six bud-lights, you're at the spouse's family's house ready to bust.  There's a drumline-style marching band of gastronomical hell inside of you, but you can't release. If you "excuse yourself" for the "bathroom" you might lose your advantageous couch position.  Generally these farts come out hot and quiet, so close off any side exits where the fart could escape...now fart directly into the couch cushion. Get it all out. In 10-20 minutes leave your post with other guests none the wiser. It also works great on airplanes or in movie theaters.

  • A Note of Caution on The Smother.  Don't abuse this with more than two butt-breaths in less than 20 minutes, it's a couch cushion not a miracle worker!! Also, this DOES NOT work on leather couches.  I've made that not-so-fun mistake.  Lastly, the couch won't work as a silencer, so if noise is a factor, you're out of luck. 


2. The Secret Shame  - So you're at an awkward dinner/holiday party and you've had too many slices of bree.  Head over towards a vacant room and act like you're...um...checking out the craftsmanship.  Double check that no one else is close, and release.  Try to muffle the noise as much as possible, and make sure you wack the smell out of your clothes before rejoining the party.

3. The Dirty Projector - Similar situation as above, but the domicile is too cramped or crowded for you to escape for a solemn release.  Position your backside toward a bathroom, bedroom, or even a window--and just let go.  Really try to get it out there, but for obvious reasons, don't push too hard.  Reach into your pocket and shake the thing out of your pants, then graciously step away.  This is more of an art than a science, but give keep practicing and you'll be a Dirty Projector in no time.

4. The Catch and Release - Standing outside on a cold day can seem like an easy place to release, but hot air attracts crowd attention.  In this situation, zipper your jacket and close off the neck hole, then pull it down over your backside and tighten the elastic at the bottom. Now fart.  Do your best to trap the fart into the jacket without--my god--releasing it through the neck hole into your nose and mouth.  This can be disastrous.  Once you've successfully trapped, excuse yourself to the snack bar, and as your walk through less crowded areas, release your catch.  If you see someone you don't like, open your jacket and hug them.

If you're in a "pinch" (pun intended), please use these techniques for release.  Then continue consuming as much food and beer as humanly possible and/or socially acceptable.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Poodle Pete!

Shit Is Fucked Up And Bullshit #4




Oh, just a 7 inch cricket eating a fucking carrot. Yeah cool.

"The giant weta is the largest insect in the world, and this is the biggest one ever found," Britain's Daily Mail quoted Moffett as saying. "She weighs the equivalent to three mice. ... She enjoyed the carrot so much she seemed to ignore the fact she was resting on our hands and carried on munching away. She would have finished the carrot very quickly, but this is an extremely endangered species, and we didn't want to risk indigestion."

Hey Moffett, just a little advice for next time (if there is one)...YOU FUCKING RISK INDIGESTION. You risk the shit out of it. You come across more of these things and you don't risk indegestion we're sending in someone who's gonna feed them a machine gun not a fucking carrot.

Counterpoint: Tim Tebow is the man



Voice of a generation. I'm on the train. Fucking CHOO-CHOO. You play to win the game and Tebow wins football games. In a time when sports is being overrun with overpaid, arrogant stars and pedophiles, Tim Tebow is big fat jesus-y ray of sunshine.

Go Fuck Yourself Tebow

I gotta say im getting pretty sick of listening to Tim Tebow talk about "God" and all that bullshit every time he makes a good play. Or actually when his defense wins the Bronco's a game, and Tebow gets credit for it across the nation. "This kid's such a winner!!" Nah actually his D is playing nasty and he's just barely squeaking out W's. But that's besides the point. I mean be a little original. Everybody knows Pedro Cerrano and Eddie Harris were bringing religion into sports first. It's the classic Joboo vs. Jesus Christ matchup. Which religious icon can hit the curveball?

Kids These Days...



Whats going on with kids these days? There has literally been a Blowsah sized period flow of hazing deaths in a past couple of weeks.
Just to name a few.
I've been on both ends of hazing, so I know how things can get a little out of control in the heat of the moment. That being said, if someone DIES during your hazing ritual you're doing something wrong.
So here's a list of good ol fashion NON-LETHAL (sometimes homoerotic) hazing activities.
1. The Banana Poop - Instant classic, fun for all. First, place a peeled banana in the toilet. Proceed to blindfold some pube-less loser who will do anything to be your friend and make him grab the soggy banana out of the toilet. If done correctly the haze-ee will think he grabbed shit and begin to dry heave violently. To add to the effect, fart a few times in the bathroom beforehand.
2. Water or Vodka? This one works great for sports initiations. Have the participants play whatever sport it is that they're so desperately trying to become a part of. Every two minutes make them take a forced water break. The kicker is, half of the waters are filled with vodka (or piss, depending on how fucked up you are). This activity has hilarious results and most importantly, NO ONE DIES.
3. The Stripper Surprise! - Any hazing initiation isnt complete without a stripper grand finale. The stripper surprise goes something like this: have the strippers beat the new-comers with belts on their bare asses just like any other perfectly normal heterosexual male gathering. When it comes time to whip the "dinki's" of the group (every group has one, the weakling who is constantly the butt of all jokes) secretly pass the stripper a blunt object i.e. beer bottle, cucumber, ski pole, whatevers laying around. Have the stripper jam that object as hard as possible in the kid's ass. Kinda crazy, but trust me, the crowd will go bonkers, and that poor kid will have a slew of new devastating nicknames for years to come.
OK, OK, this last one actually has a fairly high mortality rate, but this person will die by his own hand many years later anyways, leaving your conscience sparkling clean.
I love hazing and I think it plays an important role in sports and fraternities. It makes me sad when i hear about schools cracking down on hazing. Kids need to just chill the fuck out and stop doing things that are going to get kids killed.