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| I'm here. I'm fat. Get used to it. |
Is everyone ready to eat!? Hey guys, it's me, Adam Richman! The inventor of meat sweats, the human pig-roast, the captain of cholesterol!! I was born with an uncanny ability to ingest shit and dispense awful jokes, all at the same time. Tonight I'll be at a Rochester bus station devouring American cheese and screaming recycled jokes from an All That episode!! Come and cheer me on!
Oh, what's that you say? There are starving people all over the world and I get paid millions to glorify obesity? Well fuck you! So what if I consume enough calories to sustain an entire village of normal humans--I fucking love pastrami and no one can tell me what to do!! If all these poor hungry suckers abroad can string together enough recycled tin foil and steal a television, then I'm happy to entertain them. A moral issue? What moral issue? Morals are an invention of the weak. If there were a God, do you think I'd be so successful? Do you think the throngs of fat, sweating middle-americans cheering me through my 75th johnny cake would be alive right now? Of course not.
Look.... just look at the dynamic empire I've created!
No amount of spice in the world will keep me from my precious military jackets!! I don't care if I can't zipper them, I want an endless supply! Give them to me now you idiots!! AHAHAHHAH!!!
I'm a millionaire for eating and being fat. Fuck you Africa.
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