Things that Chap my Ass #2

Just when I thought I couldn't hate Albert "next-in-line-to-get-busted-for-roids" Pujols any more than I already do, his wife goes on the airwaves and drops this gem:

"It's just like God, to put us on a team called the Angels."

First of all, YOU'RE NOT ON THE ANGELS, YOUR HUSBAND IS.

Secondly, GOD HAD NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH ANYTHING.  YOU'RE HUSBAND WANTED A SHITLOAD OF MONEY BECAUSE HE'S A GREEDY PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE AND COULD HAVE TOLD GOD TO EAT SHIT AND STAYED IN ST. LOUIS IF HE REALLY WANTED TO.

But seriously, I'm sorry.  For a minute there I thought I was talking about a normal, semi-rational human being.

No, but seriously.  The whole God fanatic thing chaps my ass to the point where no lotion or cream could possibly stop the blistering.  Goddamn Tim Tebow and his patented "First of all I want to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ" line is like throwing chili powder on my already reddened, peeling cheeks.  I'm all for freedom of speech/religion/whatever, but there's just something about this type of thing that gets me so aggravated.

What in the hell are you talking about???  Do you have a brain?  Are you listening to yourself?  What do you need to be saved from, Te-Blow?  Certainly not an empty bank account.  I don't get it. What I do get and understand are the people who use religion to make themselves and the world a better place.  What I don't get is where people get off believing that Jesus was factually a real person and that his word governs all.  Is it because some book says so?  Well hell, there's books that claim that leprechauns and mermaids were once real, should we start believing in them too?  (And actually, the more I think about it, the more plausible those myths seem).  Listen, don't get me wrong, I completely understand that it's just as likely that the Big J did exist than the likelihood that he didn't, but we'll never be able to prove it one way or the other.  So let's just agree to stop acting like the dude lives up the street and hands out free food and cures cancer all day in his free time.  Deal?

~"Chap my ass once, shame on you.  Chap my ass twice, shame on me."~
(famous saying of ancient lordlings of ass-chappage)