How to Fart and Get Away With It

If you're like me, you're always finding ways to divert your farts from attracting the attention of co-workers or crowds at social gatherings.  Generally, after 15-20 fried snacks and half-pound of ground beef covered in cheese whiz, I feel like a shaken up soda can ready to "decompress."  These are times when a simple "crop dust" won't work.  I'm sure you've found yourself in one of the following situations, so here are some helpful tips and strategies to avoid embarrassment and decreased social standing.

1. The Smother - After a pound of tortilla chips covered in chili and six bud-lights, you're at the spouse's family's house ready to bust.  There's a drumline-style marching band of gastronomical hell inside of you, but you can't release. If you "excuse yourself" for the "bathroom" you might lose your advantageous couch position.  Generally these farts come out hot and quiet, so close off any side exits where the fart could escape...now fart directly into the couch cushion. Get it all out. In 10-20 minutes leave your post with other guests none the wiser. It also works great on airplanes or in movie theaters.

• A Note of Caution on The Smother.  Don't abuse this with more than two butt-breaths in less than 20 minutes, it's a couch cushion not a miracle worker!! Also, this DOES NOT work on leather couches.  I've made that not-so-fun mistake.  Lastly, the couch won't work as a silencer, so if noise is a factor, you're out of luck. 

2. The Secret Shame  - So you're at an awkward dinner/holiday party and you've had too many slices of bree.  Head over towards a vacant room and act like you're...um...checking out the craftsmanship.  Double check that no one else is close, and release.  Try to muffle the noise as much as possible, and make sure you wack the smell out of your clothes before rejoining the party.

3. The Dirty Projector - Similar situation as above, but the domicile is too cramped or crowded for you to escape for a solemn release.  Position your backside toward a bathroom, bedroom, or even a window--and just let go.  Really try to get it out there, but for obvious reasons, don't push too hard.  Reach into your pocket and shake the thing out of your pants, then graciously step away.  This is more of an art than a science, but give keep practicing and you'll be a Dirty Projector in no time.

4. The Catch and Release - Standing outside on a cold day can seem like an easy place to release, but hot air attracts crowd attention.  In this situation, zipper your jacket and close off the neck hole, then pull it down over your backside and tighten the elastic at the bottom. Now fart.  Do your best to trap the fart into the jacket without--my god--releasing it through the neck hole into your nose and mouth.  This can be disastrous.  Once you've successfully trapped, excuse yourself to the snack bar, and as your walk through less crowded areas, release your catch.  If you see someone you don't like, open your jacket and hug them.

If you're in a "pinch" (pun intended), please use these techniques for release.  Then continue consuming as much food and beer as humanly possible and/or socially acceptable.