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Friday, October 28, 2011



90s Sitcom Hookups That Should've Happened

Note: My buddy wrote this years ago, but I had to re-post it because it is fucking hilarious. 

For those of us who grew up in the 1990s, very few things were more frustrating than watching our favorite TV shows and not seeing the 2 people bang that should have been banging. Here’s my personal list of couples that never got it on, but totally should have.

Boy Meets World: Topanga Lawrence and Shawn Hunter
 
Hey baby, they call me Rider Strong for a reason.

I know what you’re thinking: what about poor Cory Matthews? If his best friend and lifelong soul-mate got together, that would break his poor little sensitive heart. Well let me tell you something about Cory Matthews—he was a little fucking dweeb. What with his feminine brillo-pad of a head and all. He, by his own admission, never sealed the deal with Topanga until they got married at the end, and that’s absurd. Look, I’m a huge proponent of abstinence and family values, but give me a break. Topanga Lawrence is way too much talent to be wasting away, especially in her prime. You don’t draft the number one overall pick, sign her to a huge contract, and never take her off of the bench. It’s bad business.

Meanwhile, you know Shawn Hunter would have hit that. He was the classic ne’er-do-well bad boy, he would have lit her up by freshman year. Plus, when you combine his ruffian attitude with Topanga’s eccentricities, you get a recipe for some fireworks. And as an added bonus, since he exhibited all the classic signs of a future wife-beater, the chances are pretty good that he would have scared her into submission before she put on the extra weight during the last year.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

In Defense of Blackface on Halloween

I'm dead fucking serious.  There's an article about how kids at Ohio University are mounting a campaign to end costumes depicting racial and ethnic stereotypes.  Aren't all halloween costumes ethnic stereotypes?  Viking, ninja, matador, mobster, leprechaun, samurai, native american, greek, roman, it goes on and on. Too much of anything is a bad thing, and taking ideas to an extreme eventually creates diminishing returns.  Political correctness and cultural "tolerance" are no exception to this rule.  These notions are necessary and valuable, but they don't apply in all situations, and at the risk of sounding ignorant to all you offended-for-sake-of-being-offended peeps, just lighten up.

Just Chill Mon!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Worst Wives on TV

TV shows aren't a great endorsement for marriage.  From the man's perspective, the woman is there to nag, question, bitch, then take all the money through divorce.  But it wasn't always this way.  In the 50s and 60s, when women were still property, the Ralph Kramdens and Archie Bunkers of the world could  threaten physical violence, and good laughs were had by all.  Not a great sitch for females.

As women became "equals", TV husbands fell into one of two categories. Bumbling incompetent idiots aiming to avoid their marital responsibilities or dickless drones obeying their wife's beckoned call.  While the "Real Housewives" reality show stars speak openly about their intention to ruin their husbands lives, the following women do it in a more subtle and effective way. As an engaged young man, I hope that marriage isn't this bad.  But in honor of Ralph and Archie, here are some TV wives that may set marriage back for years to come.

1. Jill Taylor - Home Improvement: Jill was the real reason that Tim "The Tool Man" often grunted in pain.  Jill, played by Patricia Richardson, was nagging shrew of a woman that perpetually bugged her successful and fun-loving husband.   While Tim was cashing in on flannel jokes at the expense of hapless Al Borland, Jill was flapping her gums about her "psychology degree" or bugging Tim about his latest attempt at a good time.  No surprise the poor guy tried to commit suicide so many times while "working on his hot rod."  After viewing Jill's actions, I understand why Tim downed a bottle scotch and tried to shoot an apple off his head with a nail gun.  Unfortunately Tim wasn't the sharpest tooth on the saw, and he always deferred to the advice of his passive hippie neighbor Wilson.  Great idea, take life advice from a sixty year old man that lives alone, wears a Gilligan hat, and hasn't been laid since the Carter administration.  Look where it got you Tool Man, a slave-master wife and goth son.



Sunday, October 23, 2011

Bill Paxton: An American Hero

Bill Paxton; American actor, director, beacon of hope for all mankind.  A movie industry without him would be like a blue sky without a sun, a Dodge without a hemi, a cold-cut food spread at a work function without condiments and fresh kaiser rolls.   Answer me this, has there ever been another so brave as to sacrifice their life to getting impregnated by acid-blood aliens for the sake of Ridley and all of mankind (Aliens, 1986), someone smart enough who, being thousands of miles away from home, floating in the vacuum of space in his malfunctioning tin can with a fever of 150 degrees and having to deal with shitty Kevin Bacon almost killing everyone by "stirring the tanks" when he wasn't supposed to, somehow pulls it together and helps Hanks get them back home safely (Apollo 13, 1995), or someone so bold enough to actually believe that a role in Predator 2 with Arnold being substituted by Danny fucking Glover would be a good career move?  People, the answer is a resounding "no".  And the joke, is on us.  This man, scrapping his way through jobber-role after jobber-role, after years of being humiliated by Schwarzenegger in one James Cameron film after another, the Pax-man has morphed into one of the most gifted, versatile actors on the face of the earth as we know it.  To hell with DeNiro and Pacino, DiCaprio and Pitt.  Give me a solid no-nonsense American asskicker of a film, and I'll give you Texas-bred Bill Paxton.  Cheers, Bill.  This Bud's for you.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

These Shoes Were Made For Talkin: What Your Shoes Say About You


Depressing Yet Stylish
Chunky White New Balance - The Air Boozebag  

Complete and desperate alcoholic. Please find me a wearer of these shoes that isn't drinking or looking to drink.. If you purchase these shoes you receive four free bar pizzas at the Alumni in Quincy, and they’ll throw in a twelve pack of natty ice if you buy the accompanying faux-leather patriots jacket.  Take a look outside the Alumni, or any shitty Quincy bar for that matter, and feast your eyes on the number of aging barflies that sport these kicks.  It was once explained to me, by a very wise man, that boozebags wear wide soled shoes because their feet swell.  That’s one explanation, but I think they need the extra stability walking home after 47 Bud Lights.

Top 5 Asshole-mobiles

1. Trucks


Doesn't matter what kind, what color, what size hemi, how many Calvin-pissing-on-something stickers...every guy who drives one wants to kick your ass. They drive too fast, ride your ass, cut you off for the fun of it, all while flipping you the bird and telling you to pull over so they can kick your ass. 9 out of 10 of these guys either have a barb wire or tribal tat and will kick your ass. They think the "shocker" hand sign is fucking hilarious, Andrew Dice Clay was a "genius", Opie and Anthony are "Gods", Staind "fucking rocks" and they will kick your ass. Road rage isn't an "unfortunate incident" it's a way of life and they will kick your ass.

2. Motorcycles



There are 2 camps of motorcycle riders. The hot-shot sport bike riders and the grizzly "I may or may not have gone to 'Nam/I may or may not have done time" Harley riders. The hot-shot sport bike riders drive 300 mph at all times and weave in and out of traffic like it's a video game. They have at one point in their lives bleached their hair blonde and/or had frosted tips. They "live for speed". Admittedly, I don't really mind these guys as they usually stay out of your way and I know that eventually they will get into a horrific accident from driving too fast.


The Harley riders have the same "the fuck are you looking at?" mentality as truck owners but it's usually just posturing. The majority of them are weekend warriors who have legit, well paying jobs, nice families and a nice house. But once Friday afternoon hits they take their "sweet ride" up to Laconia to hang out with their fellow "brothers of the road" and compare tattoos and talk about "that time I got into it with a guy in a pool hall". My main problem with this camp is the noise level of their "hogs". Tone it down bro, we get it. You ride a motorcycle that goes vroom. We're all impressed.

With that said, there are also the "legit" Harley riders who did go to 'Nam, have done time, have "friends in the Hell's Angels", and WILL kick your ass. These guys are fucking awesome and are great and are welcome at my house for Thanksgiving dinner and please don't hurt me.

3. Brand new Honda Accords



These guys are much more subtle than the previous two, which in some ways makes them more annoying. I have some level of respect for the first two because they know they're assholes, they embrace it. The Honda Accord bros give off a level of sophistication at first glance but underneath all that AXE body spray there is a slime ball trying to hit on your girlfriend. These guys are usually mid-level sales guys who make a pretty good living but still live in Southie with 5 guys and secretly think they are Gordon Gecko. They have gelled hair, expensive sunglasses, rock Brooks Brothers ties and get "completely wrecked" at The Harp on weekends. Their dickhead driving moves include swerving between lanes like they are auditioning for Fast & The Furious, not letting you merge, not letting you pull out of somewhere, trying to race you at stop lights, staring you down at stop lights and just looking like cocks. They like Dane Cook's "earlier stuff", talk a lot about gambling and "lines" and "parlays", listen to Lil' Wayne and try to get "as much pussy as possible". Honda Accords are pretty nice cars so maybe it's just jealousy speaking.

4. Bicycles



Listen, I get it. They're cheap, better for the environment, healthy, and they make you look "socially conscious"...but you're a fucking asshole if you ride a bike in a city. Hey if you wanna ride your sick bike with a vintage handle bar in the country by your organic fruit farm on your way to the organic coffee shop so you can discuss Infinite Jest with your organic friends, knock yourself out. But in a city, leave that thing in your studio apartment next to your Bob Marley poster. The city is narrow, packed with people, packed with cars, packed with everything. You're ruining peoples' lives. My main problem with cyclists though is the complete "freedom" in which they can ride these stupid things. You wanna be treated like a car? Then don't blast through red lights. You wanna be treated with respect? (never gonna happen) Then don't nonchalantly ride your Schwinn in the middle of the road as I'm trying to get to McDonald's to eat non-organic food made by a corporation or to the park to throw trash everywhere and spray aerosol into the o-zone.

5. Ferraris




Hi Mr. Ferrari owner. You're middle-aged, you've obviously worked your ass off to get where you are in life. You deserve everything you get. You've created a great life for your friends and family because of your wealth. You're the man. Fuck you. No one likes someone who gloats. All that money you spent on a Ferrari could've been put to helping out a better cause, like my house fund or getting bicycles off our streets. Just remember the next time you are cruising around the Hamptons, drinking Michelob Ultra's with your third wife and picking caviar out of your teeth with $100 bills that this blogger hates you and is going to run you off the road with his truck and kick your ass.

Nomar Gadhafi



Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The 3 Most Compelling Speeches of All Time

1) "Barbaric"

Robert Byrd: Longest Serving US Senator, Public Servant, Historian
On Michael Vick and the practice of dog-fighting

"These poor Creatures... To turn themselves, into fighting machines, is simply....barbaric. Barbaric! (pause) BARBARIC! BARBARIC! (pause)

Let that word resound! From hill to hill, and from mountain to mountain. From valley to... valley, across this broad land! Barbaric! (long pause) Barbaric....

May God help...(long pause) those poor souls....Who would be so cruel? Barbaric! Hear me! Barbaric."




1) "The Wire Hanger"

Delonte West: Celtics SG, Motor Cycle Enthusiast, College Professor
On playing basketball in his room as a child

"In my room, I had a hanger. Uh wire-hanger. Ahh Wiah-hangaaah! We used to open it up, put it on toppah dah' do'.. It's just be like, right der'.

Get a sock, n' tie it up wit' some duck tape . En' we be all down on eachotha' like, agghhh! Fo' gaaame point!


Till Mama' come in en' put the whoopin-ahn-ya...Then you gotta' cut tha lights off, you know... It whoopin'-time...

That's what my hoop be like."



3) "San Diego"

Arnold Swarzenegger: Champion Body Builder, Move Star, Governor, Genius
On California and the San Diego Chargers

"Go Chargers, Go."

Stingray is suuuuuch a badass



We'll keep an eye out for ya

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

And D'Ameeks Shall Inherit The Earth

 A Day in the Life of Meek Meek D'amico
Who's in the mood for Cucumber Flirtinis!?!
6:00 AM: Wake up with cold shower.  Hot water is for pussies that hate saving money.

6:15 AM: Breakfast - Dry wheat toast, two scoops protein powder and one raw egg. Blend ingredients and pour on the nearest liberal.  Breakfast was invented by pussies that hate being early for work.

6:20 AM: Commute to work - Walk uphill to bus, ride bus down hill to other bus.  Stand up in aisle of empty bus for 35 minutes.  Seats are for pussies that wear gay uncomfortable shoes.  White Air Force Ones all day kid.

6:50 AM: Arrive to work - Work diligently and stay amicable with lazy incompetent co-workers.

10:15 AM: Coffee Break - This would never happen.

12:00 PM: Lunch - Plain turkey on white bread with side of baby carrots.  Condiments are for pussies that feel pain.

2:45 PM: Social Preparation - Read articles discussing events considered popular among inferior coworkers.

3:00 PM: Social Engagement - Make small talk with inferior coworkers about recent local and national sporting events and pop-culture topics.  If humor is detected, attempt to "smile" and "laugh" as is customary among mortals.

5:00 PM: Shopping - Prepare for weekend vacation with long-known mortal non-coworker friends.  Purchase fattening foods and poisoning drinks to further weaken fellow vacationers.  If vacationers ask, the breakfast balls are a family recipe.

6:00 PM: Vacation Departure - Depart for solitary four hour drive to Killington, do not blink more than five times during the ride. Blinking is for pussies that rely on vision.

10:00 PM: Vacation Arrival - Arrive at vacation house, act jovial.  Encourage consumption of life-shortening foods and beverages.

2:00 AM - Sleep - Prior to sleep, prepare list of foreseeable weaknesses among vacationers, and a plan to exploit them.

4:45 AM - Social Advancement - Awake and clean entire kitchen to garner praise from female vacationers. Relish in resentment from male vacationers.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Incognito Wizzin'



Have you ever had to wizz so bad in public, but there are just no toilets around? Read on for a pair of scenarios and creative ways for you to get around this problem:


Scenario 1: You are in the middle of a crowded field at a concert after 14 beers.


Solution: The Tony Pena. Most folks know Tony Pena for his catching prowess and dirt stache. He also gives you an important lesson on how to take a piss by looking at his catching stance. Just unzip the fly, crouch into a catching stance, and kick your leg out for steadiness and style points as you hose down the hippie's Birkenstocks in front of you.



Scenario 2: You are 73 years old and have an overactive bladder combined with the fact that you just drank 3 ginger ales on the golf course. Currently you are waiting for the people on the tee box to hit with no trees or porto-potties around.


Solution: The Soccer Camp pose. Turn away, take a knee and smile for the camera as the stream flows discreetly. That smile ain't going nowhere neither, as your trouser pockets are filled with viagra and Henrietta's back at home shirtless with her wrinkly titties out waiting by the door to greet you after 18 holes.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Let's Go Pats

Romo is a dink, Michael Irvin has the biggest nostrils I've ever seen in my life and Jimmy Johnson is a total creep...




I really hope Albert Haynesworth



takes a huge


On this douchebag


Let's go Pats