Cohutta Town - Pilot Episode

Cohutta Town - Pilot Episode

Written By

New England Potpourri

SCENE 1

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

In front of his bay window, Phil Persnickety, wearing a suit and tie, sips his coffee with a folded newspaper in his hands. He views a large moving truck pulling into the unkempt house across the street. In the overgrown lawn sits a sign that reads “Estate Sale.”

PHIL

Well, I’m upset to hear about the passing of old Mrs. Dustcrathers, but I can’t say I’m not happy about the prospect of new owners. I didn’t move to Sperryville to look at overgrown hedges and rusty pick up trucks!

JEAN

Oh, Phil, who could think about that so soon? Poor Mabel lived alone and had no help.

PHIL

Jean, please. The woman was ninety-five and her lot was a burden on all of our property values. I’m excited for a young upstart to move in and improve the lot like I did. And who knows, maybe we’ll have a new member of the investing club!

JEAN

Well, I heard from the Kensingtons that the house is staying in the family. Apparently she has a long lost nephew from Georgia that’s moving in.

PHIL

Mmm..Georgia.. that’s interesting. I’d certainly like to stick around but I’m already behind schedule and I have a big sales appointment with the rubber plant guys today. If it goes well, Bill thinks I have a shot at making assistant vice chair to the regional solicitor general of distribution. And with our big fundraising barbecue this weekend, I’m sure we’ll be the toast of the town. The guys down at the social club will be oggling our new Buick LaCrosse! Yes, Jean, things are looking up for the Persnicketys! I’m off to work!

PHIL kisses JEAN and steps outside. He gets into his 2011 Buick LaCrosse, backs out awkwardly around the moving truck, and drives off out of the frame.

END SCENE 1

SCENE 2

INT - OFFICE BUILDING

PHIL PERSNICKETY arrives at his cubicle. He takes off his coat, places it on a hanger and sits in his chair, eager to be produce things for his capitalist enterprise.

DAVE BRODY

Oh my god, it fucking reeks in here. 

Did someone queef? Oh, never mind. 

It's just Persnickety!

[laughs from other cubicles]

PHIL PERSNICKETY

Very funny, Brody. But you won't be

laughing when you see my recent figures

from the Jarvis account. You'll be crying.

Out of jealousy. You'll be jealous of me.

Because of the Jarvis account. And the numbers.

And when that spot opens up to serve at

Mr. Pickleton's assistant vice chair to 

the regional solicitor general of distribution,

they won't be looking for your off color 

pussy fart jokes!

  DAVE BRODY

See, that's where you're wrong Persnickety.

Mr. Pickleton already told me that we're

leaving early to hunt with the Jarvis guys.

I guess he needs someone with a little

personality. Have fun sitting on your hands

and sniffing your gay little fingers while I'm

killing ducks and chugging beers. Oh, while

you're at it, I'm a little behind on some

paperwork. Would you mind?

[dumps recycle bin on Phil's head]

PHIL PERSNICKETY

That's it, Brody, I've had enough ..!

[pulls machete from desk drawer, cocks arm]

RICK PICKLETON

....Whoa, Persnickety, what's going on here?
Put that knife away, why is your cube such a
mess? You better clean it up if you think you
have a shot at being my assistant vice chair to 

the regional solicitor general of distribution.

DAVE BRODY

I was just telling him that, Mr. Pickleton, sir..

RICK PICKLETON

Shut up, Dave. 

Now listen, Phil. I know you're a

good worker, but we had to go with Dave on this

meeting. I know the whole hunting, drinking, steak

dinner and coke-fueled prostitute orgies

isn't really your idea of fun. But don't worry,
  I have you penciled in to be our representative
at the charity nature walk at the elderly home in
a few weeks--and that's just as important!

PHIL PERSNICKETY

Sir, absolutely. I'll have this cleaned up in no
time and best of luck today! Bring 'em home!


RICK PICKLETON

Thanks.

RICK PICKLETON turns and walks away. While his back is turned, DAVE BRODY motions a fake vagina with his hands and fakes a queef, then waves his hands in front of his nose to signify a bad smell and points at PHIL PERSNICKETY. DAVID BRODY then gives PHIL PERSNICKETY the finger, and goes back to setting his fantasy football lineup.

INT - BATHROOM

PHIL PERSNICKETY sobs uncontrollably with visible thick snot covering most of his face and chest. He works to regain composure.

PHIL PERSNICKET

[into mirror] Well, Persnickety. Looks like
you've gotta learn how to hunt and be manly.
Whatever that means...

END SCENE 2