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Thursday, May 31, 2012

Wait Just A Minute Here...


Mom of face-eating attacker says: 'He was no zombie'


So your trying to tell me this guy IS NOT a zombie? Cause eating someone's face sounds a lot like a zombie activity to me.  Fucking walkers are everywhere!



Someone needs to call Rick!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

One Talentless Unemployed Millionaire I Actually Feel Bad For


My god, look at that monster.  Please meet Alexa Ray Joel, the daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley.  This was perhaps the biggest coin flip for physical DNA in the history of the world. Prior to her birth, a bodiless soul wandered around heaven wondering whether it's phsyical earth vehicle would be tall beautiful Brinkley or sad piano-toad Billy Joel.  I imagine a craps game that plays out like the following:

Soul: "C'mon Brinkley, gimme some Brinkley!  Anything but those creepy toad eyes!!"...Rolls dice

Dealer: "Joel eyes.  Craps."

Soul: [uncontrolled sobbing]

Based on her self-serving wikipedia page, it seems young Alexa has also followed her father's career path (not that following her mother's was really an option).  Her debut EP, Sketches, was met with much hilarity from fans and critics alike.  In 2009 she tried to overdose on fake ibuprofen, but a doctor told her it was impossible to do so because fake ibuprofen has no active ingredient.  This traumatic experience should provide some great song-writing pain, and I can't wait for her follow up to Sketches.  Alexa is also the face of Prell shampoo--which probably doesn't exist.  I'm surprised she hasn't signed on with a ski goggle or welder's mask company because those products could solve more problems for her.


It's hard being a talentless millionaire
Here is yet another example of some celebrity's kid that, without their parents millions, would be hanging out at some food court wearing goth clothes.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The 5 Worst Jobs I've Ever Had


As a twenty-something slave to the money-man, I’ve had a long road of questionable employment decisions and degrading positions en route to building a “resume” of “qualifications.” Here are a few miserable jobs that come to mind, in chronological order.

Holiday Retail Associate - Hanover Mall KB Toys - 2000

This was my first real job, I applied for it the day I got my license.  No idea why, just decided that KB toys might be a good place to work because some kid in my spanish class worked there and he wasn’t a bad guy.  I quickly learned that the job had its perks--scoping babes at the food court, stuffing generic PS1 memory cartridges in my pocket while my dickhead boss  listened to Linkin Park in the “breakroom,” and drinking the only candy sold in the store (which always came in non-solid form). But it wasn’t all fun and misdemeanors.  First, the fucking KB Toys Christmas mix played on repeat.  When you’re spending eight hours of a saturday stocking shelves and answering question about something called X Box that doesn’t come out for two more years,  the last thing you want to hear is “Santa Baby” for the seventh time.  Second, this time period was the apex of Captain Morgan consumption.   I distinctly remember coming into work feeling like a spiced rum and sugar zombie covered in McDonald’s breakfast sandwich residue.  Between my own breath, the smell of mall retail, and the average physical attractiveness of my full-adult colleagues--I usually pledged sobriety until the following weekend.  Third, there was a leadership coup just after Thanksgiving where the easy-going Kate was replaced by the Iron-fisted Eric, and my shenanigans were no longer accepted, and I moved on. 


God Hates Christmas


Notable Tweets

 
@Jose Canseco, 9 hours ago...

"America is not ready for someone like me I tell you the truth right to your face everytime and you can't handle it you weak mortals"


Whooooooaaaaa, wait a minute now, Jose.   Are you telling me we've got to endure your muscles and non punctuated tweets for the rest of eternity?!  Sweet Jesus.


Well shit, I might be mortal, and I'm sure as hell weak when it comes to Canseco standards, but at least I've never let a fly ball bounce off my head for a home run in a professional baseball game in front of thousands of viewers.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Korean Zombie

Do you like the movie Bloodsport?  Did you play Tekken or Street Fighter back in the day?

Then stop wasting any time and get into MMA.  Why?  Because it's the real life version of all of those things and it's ten million times more interesting than any boxing match could hope to be these days.

This dude Chan Sung Jung, known as "The Korean Zombie", is unreal.  Ever seen a grown man tap out to a "Twister" submission where the upper half of your body is pulled in the opposite direction of your lower half?

Take it away, Rogan...


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Eat Shit Other 49

Massachusetts is the best state in the union.
Slate.com
Don’t Mess with Massachusetts
It may be everyone’s punching bag, but it’s time to face facts: The Bay State is best.
 
Massachusetts, in today’s political culture, is more epithet than state. The People’s Republic, Taxachusetts, “Sweden”—this is America’s arugula-munching, maple syrup-swigging, receding-ponytail hippy uncle, exiled to its cold, lonely corner of American geography by Sunbelt population growth and a rightward-leaning national discourse. That “Spirit of America” license plate doth protest too much. For much of the country, Massachusetts, if not actually un-American, is the suspicious redoubt of the American left.
As a native, I’m willing to take it on the chin for the state’s crimes against the republic: certain unfortunate regional accents, the term wicked, and that image of Michael Dukakis in a tank . For the state’s affection for happy-clappy bumper stickers (“no one is free when others are oppressed”) and the drivers my brother calls “Massholes”—I apologize.
Still, all the Bay State-baiting can get depressing. Especially in the recent primary season, as Mitt Romney, pummeled by charges of “Massachusetts moderate,” has run far from the state he once governed. Et tu, Mitt?
On the brighter side, though, Gov. Romney’s candidacy is an opportunity to take a closer look at the state that dare not speak its name. Through all the red mist and flying blue fur this election year, it’s worth reminding voters of a truth Romney probably won’t be emphasizing: The nation’s favorite punching bag is an exceptionally successful state.
Let’s compare Massachusetts to its peers on three basic measures of success: education, social well-being, and economic strength. Some Americans believe good results on these metrics are the goals of responsible government, and others believe they’re the happy consequences of free markets. But however we get there, these are desirable outcomes for all Americans.
First up is education, the foundation of America’s meritocratic values and the key to whatever success the country will find in a globalized, knowledge-based economy. Massachusetts is renowned for its higher-education institutions. Less well known, though, is that the home of the original Tea Party also has the best schools in the country. On the most basic measures of educational achievement—fourth- and eighth-grade math and reading skills—Massachusetts tops the nation.
Education Week’s Quality Counts 2012 report expands on this success. On their overall index, Massachusetts ranks second, to Maryland. But on two of the index’s most important measures of results—a lifetime educational Chance for Success index, and a K-12 Achievement index that bundles metrics such as test results, year-on-year improvement, and the gap between poor and wealthier kids (perhaps the truest test of our fabled meritocracy)—the Bay State again leads the nation.
And most of the world. According to a 2011 Harvard study, while reading proficiency in Mississippi is comparable to Russia or Bulgaria, Massachusetts performs more like Singapore, Japan, or South Korea. Often better: Massachusetts students rank fifth in the world in reading, lapping Singapore and Japan, and needless to say, every state in the union. In math, Massachusetts slots in a global ninth, ahead of Japan and Germany. (Some international educational studies rank Shanghai and Hong Kong as separate countries; if this wasn’t done, Massachusetts would likely rank two places higher.)
What about social well-being? Above all, we want kids to have a healthy start in life. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, Massachusetts has the nation’s highest level of first-trimester prenatal care, and the third-lowest infant mortality rate (Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Missouri are about 50 percent higher). It also has the second-highest rate of child access to both medical and dental care, the nation’s lowest child mortality rate, and the lowest teen death rate.
It goes without saying that Massachusetts has the lowest percentage of uninsured residents—5 percent (Thanks Mitt! Mitt? You there, Mitt?), compared to 16 percent nationally, and a whopping 25 percent in Texas. On life expectancy, Massachusetts ties for sixth-highest, about five years longer than the worst-performing states. In another political universe far, far away, you might describe a place like this as pro-life.
A few other metrics of social well-being: The Bay State has the second-lowest teen birth rate, the fourth-lowest suicide rate, and the lowest traffic fatality rate. The birthplace of Dunkin’ Donuts has the sixth-lowest obesity rate. And depending on the source, the first state to legalize gay marriage has either the lowest or one of the very lowest divorce rates in the country.
Finally, let’s take a purely dollars-and-cents look at Massachusetts. No matter where you start on the political spectrum, this is the most important question, because many Americans believe we must choose between social investments and a competitive economy. So what economic sacrifices is Massachusetts making to achieve such extraordinary educational and social outcomes?
None, apparently. Massachusetts has the second-highest per capita personal income among the states. Unemployment in March was 6.5 percent, well below the national 8.2 percent. Its state per-capita GDP ranks sixth-highest. Its median household income (a measure of widely-distributed income) is fifth.
Massachusetts is looking particularly sharp when it comes to the globalized, tech-driven economy on which America’s superpower standing hinges. According to a 2011 report, Massachusetts has the highest per-capita venture capital, patents, and technology licensing of 10 leading high-tech states. Worker productivity in Massachusetts (GDP per employed person) is the third-highest in the world. And research and development spending as a share of GDP in Massachusetts is higher than any country anywhere.
Massachusetts is as green as it is high-tech, and recently displaced California as the nation’s most energy-efficient state. No surprise, then, that the Kauffman Foundation put Massachusetts at the top of its New Economy Index. More surprising, perhaps, is CNBC’s index of America’s top states for business. This is a calculus so ruthlessly focused on corporate competitiveness that it marked states down for high union membership. Massachusetts came in sixth. Not bad for the People’s Republic.
All this isn’t to suggest that the Bay State doesn’t have problems. While the state is among the lowest for property crime, it ranks considerably worse on violent crime. On a recent corruption index, it ranked 13th—nice, but not A-list. Its unemployment figure handily beats the national number, but 14 states do better. And, what you’ve all been wondering about: Massachusetts has high taxes, though perhaps not as lofty as reputed. It ranks 11th-highest (and at 10 percent, only barely above the national average of 9.8 percent).
It’s also worth noting that there are many ways to cut the statistical cake. Massachusetts’ second-lowest teen birth rate, for example, may reflect a higher abortion rate (though one that’s still below the national figure). The low traffic deaths may be due to the molasses-like flow of traffic on the state’s notorious roadways. And the marvelously low divorce rate is paired with a below-average marriage rate.
The most compelling retort, though, is that Massachusetts is simply a rich state, so of course it has good schools and health care. To address this, I contacted Kristen Lewis, co-director of Measure of America, a project of the Social Science Research Council. Their American Human Development Index weaves health, education, and income metrics into a quick summary of a state’s well-being. Connecticut ranks first and Massachusetts second. (Anyone interested in exploring the state of their state will love these beautiful interactive maps.)
So, what of the charge that good outcomes result from high incomes? Lewis says “you might turn the question on its head” and ask, instead, why is Massachusetts so rich? “Massachusetts and others at top of the index tend to make significant public and private investments in the ingredients of well-being,” explains Lewis. Ultimately, these investments pay off both socially and economically. She points out that Maryland is third on Measure of America’s income index, but 33rd in life expectancy. Virginia comes in 6th on income (right behind Massachusetts), but 11th on education, and 25th on health.
So high income is no guarantee of good social outcomes and strong investments in people clearly haven’t punished one of our wealthiest and most globally competitive state economies. In fact, if America wants to be a healthy, smart, rich, globalized, high-tech powerhouse, we arguably have no better model than Massachusetts.
For many, a steady drizzle of mockery for the state and its “moderates” is the only response to that uncomfortable truth. Still, it’s hard not to dream of a presidential campaign in which a former governor would run on, not from, his associations with Massachusetts. Dukakis, of course, ran on a “Massachusetts Miracle.” But Gov. Romney is already too far from home for that, and probably knows better than to try.
 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Yahoo Headlines Kill Me

Mitt Romney apologizes for the ‘dumb things’ he did in prep school




Friday, May 4, 2012

Who's Next?

Everyone knows celebs die in three, so who's next?

Im thinking...
But hoping for...

In all seriousness though, MCA was the  man and Beastie Boys are fucking awesome. I just pray Mike D and Ad-Rock don't shit all over MCA's grave by replacing him with some dickhead like Eminem and go on a money grubbing world tour. please, please dont.

R.I.P. MCA



I've never been a big fan of the Beastie Boys.  But I find myself being more sad than I expected about the passing of MCA as I watch old Beasties clips.  A giant underdog of the music industry, for sure.  Probably never got and never will get the credit he deserves for the part he played in changing the game.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

5 Year Disapointment


I wasnt expecting much from the The Five Year Engagement going into it, but the previews looked decent, and Jason Segal & Co. typically produce a quality product. Unfortunately I made a mistake, and will never get those 130 minutes of my life back. This movie suuuuuuucked. Two problems, It's not funny and waaaay too long.
1. Dear Jason Segal, your bare ass isnt funny anymore. The first couple times you whipped your dick out on camera was hilarious, but now its just old and kinda sad. Your body looks like an albino beluga with melanoma. You need to see a doctor about your skin tags.
2. When are people going to learn the golden rule of comedies? LESS IS MORE! When was the last time you saw a 2hr+ comedy that was funny? Never. No comedy should ever go over 90mins, EVER.


D+ (Probably an F if the chick in it wasnt so hot)


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Abomination





Are you fucking kidding me with this shit, Francis?  This? After the first 2?  I hadn't watched the Godfather movies in a while, and then they were on AMC on repeat for a week.  Apparently the 40th anniversary of the original. I actually advise going back and watching the Parts 1 and 2 every five years or so, because they are NASTY.  I completely forgot how epic they were. They contain everything you want in an all-time great film.  But then, they come out with this bullshit?  Fucking Joe Montegna running around like an idiot?  Absolute travesty.  Biggest abomination since Alia Atreides popped out on Arrakis.

Side Note:  I know Pacino's a bit of a joke now, but go back and watch Godfather part II. Unbelievable performance as Michael Corleone. Guy used to be an incredible actor.

Junior


You can Seau you want about Junior....

But the guy always had a pretty weird haricut, didn't he?...



Too soon?


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Rajon Rondo: The Kid


It's sad.  Very sad.  Here we sit with one of the most freakishly talented point guards that's ever dawned the green and danced the parquet, and the guy (or I should say "kid") continually fails to comprehend what it takes to be a professional.

What is it about Rondo that makes him think it's kosher to throw water bottles through televisions when his coach criticizes his play, show up minutes before game time when he's not getting his way, and now chest bump referees during playoff games when your team is down by four points with minutes to play?  Did he win a title too early in his career and is now saturated by a sense of entitlement?  Maybe he simply has not matured yet as an individual.  Maybe he's just a 25 year old dude.  I mean, hell, look at the maturity level of these 25-year old dudes.

Or maybe our city has been spoiled by being fortunate enough to watch the most professional quarterback to ever walk the earth, who set the bar just too damn high for every other athlete in this city.  I don't know.  But all valid questions that should be asked.  And questions Rondo should listen to.

HOWEVER, let's not forget that at one time in the not-so-distant past, Paul Pierce, my favorite all-time Boston athlete, who has been showered with compliments from talking-sports-heads round the NBA globe for the last few years about how mature and unselfish he was in sharing the Celtic spotlight amongst the addition of Allen and Garnett a few years back, pulled this little stunt during a 2005 first-round playoff game after being ejected for a rookie-like double technical incident, while later showing up to the post game press conference with a fake bandage around his face.  I wouldn't  exactly call that owning up to your actions either. (And on a side note, that was Doc Rivers' first year as head coach of the C's, so it's not like Pierce and Doc have always seen eye-to-eye either).

I'm not minimizing Rondo's actions, as he certainly does need to grow up, and grow up fast.  But everything's not lost for this 25 year-old beast of a point-guard.  Give him time, people.

But if you're reading this, Rajon, do me a favor and let your court vision do your talking for you instead of your emotions.

And for the love of God, work on that fucking jump shot.