Animals You Don't Fuck With: Episode 2

THE PYTHON

Class: Reptilia

Location: Northern Africa and many parts of Asia

Notable Characteristic: They have been seen swimming in the ocean, and they've been known to eat nearly anything if hungry enough

Why you don't fuck with it:

The Python spawns from the deepest, darkest pits of hell, along with sharks, spiders, eels, and countless other animals that I'll eventually get to in one episode or another.  Good luck fending yourself from this slithery shitbag if you happen to cross paths with one in your unfortunate travels.  Check out the four rows of razor sharp inverted teeth, bro.  If bitten, there's no amount of squats or lat curls that could help you in stopping Mr. Deathgrip from literally squeezing the meat out of your head until you die, before swallowing you whole as it unhinges its bottom jaw.  It will slowly crush your bones as it digests you and use its insanely powerful muscles to slide you down into its belly.  Sound like fun?  Then go take a fucking safari cruise out in Asia somewhere and climb a tree.

Here's a funny video of a python eating a baby alligator alive.  Cool!

Here's another of one that ate a whole pig, while some freak-shows cut the thing open for fun.

And finally, a vid of a python that ate a whole goddamn cow.  

China may be surpassing the U.S. in global economy, but at least we ain't got 7–foot minions of Satan perusing the local neighborhoods.