Exit Zack de la Rocha, enter Chris Cornell. It really
hammered home
just how much Zack de la Rocha meant to Rage Against the Machine. I'd
even go as far to say that he was the heart and soul of that band.
Sure, Tom Morello is an innovative guitarist, but his music goes nowhere
without the activist energy that de la Rocha brought to the table. I
still get enjoyment going back and listening to some Rage tracks.
Soundgarden on the other hand? Ehhhh, not so much. Also, Audioslave
was a perfect experiment to prove wrong all the ill-read headbangers out
there who think/thought that "rap sucks". De la Rocha's hip-hop style
vocal grooves made those tracks worth listening to, where as Chris
Cornell's sad excuses for vocal melodies really just made me want to
smash my head with a hot iron to put me out of my own misery.
9. GRADY SIZEMORE
Nice
little look below at this bum's stats for the past few years. Thanks
for ruining my fantasy teams all those years you slimeball. Drink some
milk or something, for Christ's sake. Oh, and this just in...
8. MACAULAY CAULKIN
Whatever happened to good little Kevin McAllister? Such a sweet little boy and look at him now. He was pretty good in that movie Saved I guess, but that's about as far as I'll go. Personally, I think it was his role in The Good Son that really sent him over the edge.
7. COLLEGE
(PSYCH!)
6. THE 2011 MIAMI HEAT
HA-HA-HA. (Enjoy this picture while it lasts though,
because unfortunately, there's nothing stopping the Heat from a
championship this year, BUT that doesn't mean I can't take one last poke
at this douche.)
5. THE ARCADE FIRE
I kinda feel bad (not really) putting them on this list
because it's a bit inevitable that this band would become as irrelevant
as they have. Or are they still relevant and I'm just out of touch? I
have no fucking idea anymore. Anyways, the Butler train blew it's wad
with their debut record Funeral, and there's nothing wrong with
that. That was a beyond stellar album that impacted the collective rock
music scene like few albums have since The Strokes' Is This It?.
That disco drumbeat started popping up fucking EVERYWHERE after your
album came up, and that undoubtedly led to me being pissed off and maybe
liking you less for a period of time, which is unfair, I admit. In hindsight, I
realize that I am a fan of your music, Arcade Fire, and I commend you
for the feat that is Funeral. Your last two albums were sub par, but that's only because you set the bar so high for yourselves with Funeral,
and that's OK. Oh, and please keep incorporating string sections in
your music because the woman who plays violin for you on the right there
is a mega-babe. Thanks.
4. THE 2010-2011 VANCOUVER CANUCKS
3. NETFLIX
Seriously, whoever's in charge of this one, you fucked
up. What a phenomenal idea for a business, and what a royal
disappointment. It was convenient, it was cheap, and it allowed me to
watch the entire series of Lost in less than 3 months. But the
movies are what matter the most in something like this, and why is it,
on top of you jacking up prices per the number of DVD's I can have at a
time, that the only movies worth watching on your shitty website are Megashark vs. Giant Octopus and Nic Cage's latest atrocity?
2. Y2K
2012, you better have something up your sleeve, goddamit. We're already one-sixth of the way through the
year and all you've done for me so far is supply me with the most
pathetic winter of my life, and wipe one of the Monkees, and one of
best sets of female vocal chords (Whitney Houston) off the map. Let's
friggin' go, make those Myans proud. I want to be able to buy a gun
already and not feel guilty about it.
1. LEN BIAS
On my second birthday, the Celtics drafted WITH THE SECOND OVERALL PICK arguably the best player in the history of basketball to never play a single game in the NBA. Why did he never play a game, you ask? Because two days after he was drafted he died from cardiac arrest from blowing too much coke up his nose. This Celts had won a championship literally a few weeks prior to drafting Bias. Little did we know at the time, but it would be more than two long decades before the Celts won another title. How many more would they have won if Bias had decided to work on his jump shot that night instead of blow lines up his nose? One? Two? We'll never know. I'll tell you what though, if there's a Heaven, one of the first things I do is tell God to hit the reset button on that fucking night and simulate that situation to find out.
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