We Should Stop Paying Attention To These Celebrities

As a natural-born hater, I've always had healthy contempt and skepticism towards celebrities.  Are they really who they portray to be, or are they just some drama school jerk that adopted an "image" in response to market research?  Sure, it's easy to hate guys like Justin Bieber because they're always lookin like "I be ballin' son" but haven't lived one day of real life.  I can't blame Biebs.  If I were mechanically designed in an Orlando lab and programmed to smile for cameras, I'd be walking around like a Lesbian in an LPGA locker room. Straight cheesin' son.

"Hey Deb, I can see your snatch from here!
JK!  Great chip on 18 though."

I'm talking about celebs that used to be somebody else, but have reinvented themselves with a boardroom persona.  I feel duped.  There's some deception that escapes the throngs of public fans willing to dump their meager salaries into the coffers of these overpaid hacks.  So here's my short list of undeserving celebrities.

They see me rollin.....

                  1. Drake


What He Used to Be: The wheelchair kid on DeGrassi, a shitty Canadian teen soap opera

What He Is Now:  A wildly overrated rapper loved by "hip hop fans."

Why We Shouldn't Like Him:  Drake is a painfully mediocre rapper that took Jay-Z's swag over skills strategy to new levels.  He's the first Mickey Mouser to become a legit player in the rap game, and true rap fans hate it.  People just like him because he's cool.  But is he? I think he's just Jason Priestly with barely enough blackness to say the N word.

Intimidating

What's worse is that he doesn't even rap.  He whines about pounding chicks on piles of cash.  Apparently rap now includes minutes of hazy singing that sounds like someone is raping a feral cat with two pieces of styrofoam.  He inherited this "skill" from his mentor Lil' Wayne, who hasn't stopped chugging purp drank since he made millions off The Carter II and became a parody of himself.  Fans just want to be on the same team as these guys because they're "cool" but no one really pays attention to their shitty music.  Now teeny boppers that have never heard Wu-Tang can claim to be rap fans because they like Drake's emo verse and leather jacket.  Whatever this is, its not rap, and Drake is Jason Priestly.

2. Neil Patrick Harris AKA "NPH"

What He Used to Be: Doogie Houser, MD

What He is Now: Hack Joke Cliche Sitcom 3000 - Your Grandmother Will Love It

Your grandmother thinks I'm hilarious
and I could definitely fuck her.

Why We Shouldn't Like Him: Right now, Neil Patrick Harris should be giving blow jobs on an infomercial casting couch next to Carlton Banks, Steve Urkel, and Cory Matthews.  Call me old fashioned, but I like my pants pressed and my child stars DESTROYED.

NPH was destined for obscurity, which partly helped his come back in 2004's Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.  NPH couldn't possibly be anything but a dorky child genius, and it was funny to see him blow coke off a stripper's ass.  Well Neil Patrick took the ball and ran, and now we're left with another overrated ever-present actor that parodies himself  for millions.  Every time I see his smug face it just says, "Aren't I so NPH!! I love being edgy."  He's the perfect example of someone that's edgy within completely acceptable norms, also known as NOT EDGY AT ALL.  That's why my Nana loves him.


His Wikipedia page lists his occupation as "magician" so that might have something to do with it. He's a walking gold mine for networks right now, so I'll just have to keep talking over my grandmother when she mentions him on holidays.

                                                         3. The Black Eyed Peas

What They Used To Be:   A somewhat listenable hip hop act


What They Are Now: An international hypnosis conglomerate

Why We Shouldn't Like Them:  Where should I start. After years of research with University psychology departments and boardroom villains, the BEP have developed a fool proof formula for platinum sales and lucrative sponsors.

1. Create or purchase catchy hook. 
2. Boy sing hook, girl sing hook, repeat for four minutes while wearing space suits. 
3. Dr. Pepper
4. Build Igloo out of million dollar bills

Has anyone heard "I've got a feeling"?  That song made more money than you could selling kiddie porn at Penn State.  They could put entire cities through college.  I'm of the opinion that they should owe money for polluting the airwaves with an unavoidable song.  If given the option between hearing "I've got a feeeling" and some other sensory rape, I would've chosen the following affronts to my senses:

• Taste - Bong rip of poodle farts
• Touch - Belly flop into pool of caterpillars
• Smell - Sixty-nine Rueben Studdard
• Sight - Naked Golden Girls twister without Blanche

Needless to say, I don't like the song.  But just as their research showed, I found myself singing that awful hook and chugging Dr. P. The whole country was hypnotized, and who knows what could happen next time.    If we could boycott these clown-penis robots, we'll all be better off.