Liquid Ventilation: Turning Humans into Fish...literally

If you're interested, read this article about "liquid ventilation" where doctors could implant mechanical "gills" into veins humans' thighs in order to allow the to dive greater depths in water.  It already plays a huge role in helping save babies born prematurely.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/into-the-abyss-the-diving-suit-that-turns-men-into-fish-2139167.html

Notable Tweets

"bspikes55 Brandon Spikes

Congratulation to Ice Cube! I'm glad he made it all the way through Anaconda!! #JustSayin 👍

18 minutes ago Favorite Retweet Reply"

True Dat B-Spikes! 

Ye Has Risen

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Oakland Raiders Edition

Even if there was a gun being held to my head, I still don't think I could give a definitive answer here.

I think it's a given you have to kill Al Davis due to the fact that he was a legit zombie, even when he was "alive" for those final 20 years. But after that, your only options left are to either "marry" or "fuck" one of the most blatantly-unstable-as-evidenced-by-my-haircut human beings I've ever seen in my life, or Reggie McKenzie - a not-sure-exactly-what-it-is-but-somethin's-up lookin' fella.






Al Davis





Al Davis' Son




The New Raiders GM

Hey Arnold!

Hey Arnold, what's up with you disrupting all the other passengers on the freakin' plane????

No biggie, just try to keep it down next time.

HE WALKKKKEDDD!!!!!

We all know Tommy Heinsohn is an absurd homer. We know he hates the refs. We know he hates people. But if you've never seen this rant, you are missing out on the ultimate in Tommy Heinsohn insanity. This is from 2003, and Tommy proves how entertaining he truly can be.

"Get Atcha Boy" ft. Delonte West

Apparently the Dallas Mavericks are on their way to meet Barack Obama at the White House today.  That's their reward for winning the NBA title last season.  Current Mavericks player/swag machine Delonte West was not on last year's squad, and therefore will not be in da house for the meet and greet. 

"I'm banned from going to the White House, so I'm not going to make it,'' West said after tonight's 96-81 win over the New Orleans Hornets. "But I'm going home to D.C., I'm just not allowed to go to the White House. That's what happens when you make bad decisions in your life. You can't go to the White House.''

I've been there 100 times in my lifetime,'' said West, who was born in D.C. "I live right around the corner. I live in D.C. It's going to be ashamed the President isn't going to get a chance to meet me. I'm the president of my house.''

Your damn right Delonte! It's going to be "ashamed!" Get atcha boy!

P.S. Dear God I wish the Celts still had this fucking guy.

Underrated Character's of the 90's: Tony Perkis

One of the more underrated movies of my adolescence was easily 1995's "Heavyweights." The reason? Ben Stiller as "Uncle" Tony Perkis. This was early Stiller at it's best, before "Meet the Parents," "Zoolander," "Dodgeball," and all other Stiller comedies. Tony Perkis still holds up today, and reminds us why this guy got so popular in the first place, before such atrocities as "Night at the Museum." Lunch has been cancelled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it.

Atta Boy!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Headache

Best of 2011: Deaths

Team Hell got a whole lot stronger this year. If I was a horrible person, I definitely would have wanted to die in 2011. Hell must be bumpin' right now! First Osama gets iced, then Moammar gets torn limb from limb by his own people, and now good ol' Kim Jong Il dies?! Talk about a TRIFECTAH! I mean, c'mon, Satan basically just got the evil equivalents of Tom Brady, Arian Foster, and Greg Jennings in the same draft.  God must be shitting his pants. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if God kills Tebow just to even the score.

"We Want You! Jerry Sandusky!"

Best of 2011: Movie

As far as movies go 2011 was about as exciting as seeing your sister's tits. If you have a brain the size of a pube follicle then you probably got a rise of out movies like Green Lantern, Scherlock Holmes II, and Immortals. But for those of us who dont get boners over B-Lister-ridden CGI porn, there actually were a couple of decent flix, among them Even the Rain (if you like foreign movies), Cedar Rapids, and the now overly hyped Bridesmaids. But the stand out movie for 2011 is most defiantly Drive.

I actually don't know what I liked more about this movie, the movie itself, or the reaction from the pissed off douche rockets in the theater who thought they bought tickets to see The Fast and Furious IX. This movie is certainly artsy-fartsy, and definitely has awesomely awkward moments, but the mix between heart stopping intensity, outrageously gruesome violence and tear jerking romance makes this movie un-fucking-forgettable. It also has a sick soundtrack that every hipster in Cambridge has been beating off to for the past six months.

If you haven't seen Drive yet, do it now! I dont think its out on DVD yet but everyone knows some greasy Asian kid who has a bootleg copy, so call up (insert Asian name) and get it done!

Leaders of Men: Carl Showalter--Kidnapper Extraordinaire

He's kinda funny lookin, he doesn't fuck around, and he's a kidnapper's kidnapper.  Carl gets a tip from fellow ex-con Shep Proudfoot that there's good money in kidnapping some St. Paul car salesman's wife.  He grabs fellow kidnapper Gaear Grimsrud to meet the car saleman, Jerry Lundegaard, and talk about the details.

Carl quickly tires of his partner's request for pancakes so he suggests hookers and steak.  This would be a great suggestion if the prostitutes in North Dakota actually looked like women.  But Carl is no looker, and many describe him as kinda funny lookin. When kidnapping goes sour, these hookers talk to a local cop and blow is cover, and more importantly, let the world know he's an anteater.




Carl is on the run and at risk of going back to jail, so he's gotta switch the plates on his stolen car.  He cleverly pulls into a snowy parking lot, steals someone's plate, and says, "I don't want to park here anymore."  The parking attendant won't allow it, so Carl launches into one of the best indictments of parking clerks of all time.  "These are the limits of your life man!"  Carl really needed that $4.



You tell 'em Carl!!  Anyways, now Carl has to exchange the money, but that pussy Lundegaard doesn't show up, it's some old guy.  Like any reasonable human being, Carl starts shooting, and kills the man, but not before he takes a bullet in the jaw.  But he's no pussy....you should see the other guy.




Unfortunately, Carl won't budge on a negotiation with Geaer, and he's made into smart-mouthed body chips, which ruins the prostitute industry in the great lakes region.

Adam Richman: "Go Fuck Yourself Everyone!"

I'm here.  I'm fat.  Get used to it. 

Is everyone ready to eat!?  Hey guys, it's me, Adam Richman!  The inventor of meat sweats, the human pig-roast, the captain of cholesterol!! I was born with an uncanny ability to ingest shit and dispense awful jokes, all at the same time.  Tonight I'll be at a Rochester bus station devouring American cheese and screaming recycled jokes from an All That episode!!  Come and cheer me on!

Oh, what's that you say?  There are starving people all over the world and I get paid millions to glorify obesity?  Well fuck you! So what if I consume enough calories to sustain an entire village of normal humans--I fucking love pastrami and no one can tell me what to do!! If all these poor hungry suckers abroad can string together enough recycled tin foil and steal a television, then I'm happy to entertain them.  A moral issue?  What moral issue?  Morals are an invention of the weak.  If there were a God, do you think I'd be so successful?  Do you think the throngs of fat, sweating middle-americans cheering me through my 75th johnny cake would be alive right now?  Of course not.

Look.... just look at the dynamic empire I've created!

No amount of spice in the world will keep me from my precious military jackets!! I don't care if I can't zipper them, I want an endless supply!  Give them to me now you idiots!! AHAHAHHAH!!!

I'm a millionaire for eating and being fat.  Fuck you Africa.

Crosby...OUT

Crosby is out again with concussion symptoms after getting hit by David Krecji. I like Crosby and all but something about him screams pussy. In the NHL you better be hangin a big one if you plan to survive.

Ask Tupac: Do you like British journalists?

Things that Chap my Ass #2

Just when I thought I couldn't hate Albert "next-in-line-to-get-busted-for-roids" Pujols any more than I already do, his wife goes on the airwaves and drops this gem:

"It's just like God, to put us on a team called the Angels."

First of all, YOU'RE NOT ON THE ANGELS, YOUR HUSBAND IS.

Secondly, GOD HAD NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH ANYTHING.  YOU'RE HUSBAND WANTED A SHITLOAD OF MONEY BECAUSE HE'S A GREEDY PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE AND COULD HAVE TOLD GOD TO EAT SHIT AND STAYED IN ST. LOUIS IF HE REALLY WANTED TO.

But seriously, I'm sorry.  For a minute there I thought I was talking about a normal, semi-rational human being.

No, but seriously.  The whole God fanatic thing chaps my ass to the point where no lotion or cream could possibly stop the blistering.  Goddamn Tim Tebow and his patented "First of all I want to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ" line is like throwing chili powder on my already reddened, peeling cheeks.  I'm all for freedom of speech/religion/whatever, but there's just something about this type of thing that gets me so aggravated.

What in the hell are you talking about???  Do you have a brain?  Are you listening to yourself?  What do you need to be saved from, Te-Blow?  Certainly not an empty bank account.  I don't get it. What I do get and understand are the people who use religion to make themselves and the world a better place.  What I don't get is where people get off believing that Jesus was factually a real person and that his word governs all.  Is it because some book says so?  Well hell, there's books that claim that leprechauns and mermaids were once real, should we start believing in them too?  (And actually, the more I think about it, the more plausible those myths seem).  Listen, don't get me wrong, I completely understand that it's just as likely that the Big J did exist than the likelihood that he didn't, but we'll never be able to prove it one way or the other.  So let's just agree to stop acting like the dude lives up the street and hands out free food and cures cancer all day in his free time.  Deal?

~"Chap my ass once, shame on you.  Chap my ass twice, shame on me."~
(famous saying of ancient lordlings of ass-chappage)

Wait, Melissa Joan Hart Is A What?

This movie sounds like it could get messy.

The Saul

From now on, a look of distant thought and concern will be known simply as "The Saul."

Anyone that hasn't been watching the new Showtime series Homeland is missing out....on a show that should be a miniseries but will inevitably continue far past any semblance of reality.  The premise of the show is interesting. Nicholas Brody (Damian "Pinch Face" Lewis) is a marine POW rescued from an Afghan prison after six years of torture.  He's welcomed home with a warm reception but for CIA agent Carrie Matheson (Claire Danes) who suspects him of being a terrorist--with good reason.  Lewis is most famous for his role in HBO's Band of Brothers, which you'll eventually hear from anyone that asks, "Do you watch Homeland?", and you respond, "No", so they'll respond, "Dood it's so fahkin sick it's like the guy from 'Band ah Bruthizz' if you liked that show you'll love this one."  Then you watch the show and realize that, not only does Damian Lewis' character have absolutely nothing in common with his character from Band of Brothers, but the two shows are nothing alike.  And you also get sick of  Damian Lewis because he's a ginger skeletor lookin' motherfucker.

Code RED

Anyways, back to Saul, the most ridiculous character on television right now.  Played by Manny Patinkin (Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride), Saul is a CIA veteran and Carrie's mentor.  He constantly walks the line between Carrie's rogue surveillance of Brody and CIA bureaucracy.  Sometimes he humors Carrie's thoughts and actions, and other times he scolds her for stepping out of bounds.  Regardless of where he stands, his demeanor is ALWAYS the same.  Wrinkled forehead, low tone, serious message.  Does this guy ever smile or have a drink?  C'mon Saully boy.  I know his job is serious, but could he just make an expression once in awhile?  He was a lot happier when he hung out with Andre the Giant.

Every scene with Saul and Carried involves Carrie freaking out about something, and Saul just Saulling the shit out of her.   "I know, it's dangerous, but you're doing the right thing", or "Carrie, that's reckless, how could you do such a thing?"  Concerned, distant, active, passive, pensive, vacant, thoughtful, happy, sad, horny = ONE LOOK and ONE TONE OF VOICE!! This guy is not Derek Zoolander.

"I'm incredibly happy for this joyous occasion."

"I wonder how I can better convey my
concern and disapproval."

     














Anyways, why do shows have characters like this? I know there are some serious people, but no one acts like this, he's worse than David Caruso.  It will be interesting to see how the character develops as Showtime rides this horse off a cliff, shoots it, rapes it, stabs it, poisons it, and crushes it up into horse paste and builds a paper mache horse to kill for a seventh season.

O Happy Day

I wish I was capable of getting this happy about something. I envy you Francis....stay gold