Leaders of Men: Carl Showalter--Kidnapper Extraordinaire

He's kinda funny lookin, he doesn't fuck around, and he's a kidnapper's kidnapper.  Carl gets a tip from fellow ex-con Shep Proudfoot that there's good money in kidnapping some St. Paul car salesman's wife.  He grabs fellow kidnapper Gaear Grimsrud to meet the car saleman, Jerry Lundegaard, and talk about the details.

Carl quickly tires of his partner's request for pancakes so he suggests hookers and steak.  This would be a great suggestion if the prostitutes in North Dakota actually looked like women.  But Carl is no looker, and many describe him as kinda funny lookin. When kidnapping goes sour, these hookers talk to a local cop and blow is cover, and more importantly, let the world know he's an anteater.




Carl is on the run and at risk of going back to jail, so he's gotta switch the plates on his stolen car.  He cleverly pulls into a snowy parking lot, steals someone's plate, and says, "I don't want to park here anymore."  The parking attendant won't allow it, so Carl launches into one of the best indictments of parking clerks of all time.  "These are the limits of your life man!"  Carl really needed that $4.



You tell 'em Carl!!  Anyways, now Carl has to exchange the money, but that pussy Lundegaard doesn't show up, it's some old guy.  Like any reasonable human being, Carl starts shooting, and kills the man, but not before he takes a bullet in the jaw.  But he's no pussy....you should see the other guy.




Unfortunately, Carl won't budge on a negotiation with Geaer, and he's made into smart-mouthed body chips, which ruins the prostitute industry in the great lakes region.

Leaders of Men: Bennett - Australian Accented US Commando

The 1980s were a crazy place.  All former US commandos had foreign accents and South American military coups occurred on every other Thursday.  If you wanted to start a South America Gov't, you covered yourself in marmalade, impersonated Scarface, and extorted some local banana companies.  Sometimes you had to recruit the best guy to start the takeover, and that's where Bennett could help.

While most mortals feared the wrath of John Matrix, the baddest ever Austrian-born U.S. Commando, Bennett kidnapped Matrix' daughter and extorted him into service.  Bennett had confidence in his protective gear--a tank top of leather and medieval body armor, accompanied with some stylish weight-lifting gloves. Apparently, Bennett took pride in his figure, which resembled that of a middle-aged lesbian.

"Let's make this snappy.  I have Judas Priest tickets."

"You're going to pay me how much to be the dad in Clueless?" 

Seriously, who did the fucking casting for this movie? I imagine it went something like this:


Producer 1: "OK guys we need an intimidating villain that's believable as a former badass U.S. Commando."

Casting Director: "How about we find a flabby Australian guy and dress him up like a gay S&M sex slave?"

Producer 1: "Perfect. But who can we get to play the power-hungry South American dictator attempting a coup?"

Casting Director: "I have just the guy.  He's a Jew from New York.  We'll cover him in shoe polish and make him talk like Speedy Gonzalez."

Producer 1: "Genius.  What's are we paying this guy?!  Let's double it!"

"On second thought, let's just forget this ever happened."

Although Bennett gives a good fight, John Matrix is un-fucking-stoppable. I have to give him credit, it's like watching a sloth fight a lion.  "Let out some steam.."

Leaders of Men: Richie Aprile from the "Old-School"

Richie was a proud capo in a New Jersey crime family until he got pinched and went to prison for ten years.  He kept his mouth shut and upheld his mafia oath.  Upon release, he found out that his little brother's fat friend was head of the family, and a camel nosed scumbag was beating up on his niece, Adriana.  But before he could deal with that, he had to pay a visit to his old partner Beansie, who still owed Richie money and never once visited Richie in the can.  Like any reasonable person, Richie ran over him, and then ran him over again.



After the exchange, Tony confronts Richie and asks him to "back off Beansie" to which Richie replies "I did. Then I put it in drive."  What a huckster!!

Richie must then deal with "camel nosed" Christopher that's been beating up his beautiful and perfect niece, Adriana.  According to Richie, Christopher's nose is "so big that he can smoke a cigarette in the rain with two hands tied behind his back.  What a fuckin canopy."   In a true act of chivalry, Richie tells Christopher, "I'm from the old-school. You wanna raise your hand, you give her your last name.  The it's none of my fuckin' business.  Until then, keep your hands in your pockets. We understand each other?"

Hear that ladies?  I think all women deserve a loving and protective uncle like Richie!

Now with his ducks in a row, Richie could finally make some money.  Out of many viable income options, Richie chose cocaine--a timelessly safe and lucrative investment.  The only problem is that that cranky boss Tony didn't appreciate Richie's entrepreneurial spirit leaking onto certain garbage routes.  That lead to the following exchange:




That Tony is such a curmudgeon.  Richie's just tryin to get a slice of the gabbba goo, you know what I'm sayin Guissepe?  Although "Manson lamps" is the best description of creepy eyes I've heard in a long time.

Leaders of Men: Paul Sarone - Paraguayan Snake Hunter

In this new weekly installment we'll celebrate world heroes and how their contributions have bettered the live of billions.  This week's subject is famed Paraguayan snake poacher Paul Sarone, who fearlessly commandeered an Amazon riverboat to hunt a 40 foot anaconda.  Although he didn't catch the snake per se, Sarone achieved moral victory when his actions lead to the death of Owen Wilson.  Some believe he is a hero from the future sent back in time to kill J-Lo and Ice Cube before their horrible "songs" and "movies" corroded our society.  This was post Friday and NWA, so Ice Cube's only redeeming contributions would be spared. 

"Go fuck yourself J-Lo. I hope you get strangled by a CGI snake"

Big Paul came upon a boat of pussy documentarians and imposed his will.  When the crew found him, he was hurting from a long night of killing bait monkeys and harassing native Amazonian honeys.  He convinces the naive crew to head down river for a doctor, but he just want to catch him some snake.  At one point, he turned down J-Lo's attempted seduction because he knew her snatch felt like a bear trap.  He eventually dies in a blaze of glory and snake puke.

It smells like J-Lo's soul 

RIP Paul.  Gone but not forgotten.