PEACE OUT MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

Kirk Herbstreit and Saul Goodman Sound Exactly Alike

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Things That Chap My Ass #3

Miley Cyrus.

In a modern world that demands us all to endure the existences of Kanye West, Bobby Valentine, and that goof-ball you work with who's constantly roping you into a 15-minute story about his pet turtle from third grade that had diabetes, or how his son throws a "pissah curveball for a 8th gradah", Miley Cyrus had to go and give herself a make-over.

First of all, why the make-over?  You used to be doing just fine for yourself.  And you weren't that annoying, all things considered.  Now you're about as cute as those little dingleberries that get caught in my crack for a 36 hour span and eventually fall out in the shower.  Your new "look" is something of a cross between Madonna, Gwen Stefani, Dennis Rodman, and the troubled girl from English class senior year of high school who ended up getting into crack, got impregnated by two different guys, and now spends most of her welfare check on two packs of Pall Malls and a pint of Gordon's.

And aren't pop stars supposed to be able to sing and dance?  Your singing sucks, and your dancing makes me uncomfortable.  Not uncomfortable like, "ouch, I just sat on tack", but uncomfortable like being told by someone in the first two minutes of you meeting them that their parents got divorced because their dad turned out to be gay and was caught by their mom giving a heej to some guy in the Ground Round parking lot after hours.  ("heej" means handjob)

You really CHAP MY ASS, Miley.

What The.....?!?!?

Kevin Spacey: An American Icon

Mr. Spacey, you deserve your due.  While you may not be the best actor of our generation (although that's debatable), and while you may at one time in your career have been the supporting actor to Dennis Leary (see The Ref), you are always very good, if not great in ALL the movies in which you are cast, which is something that can't always be said for the so-called greatest actors of your generation (I'm looking at you DiCaprio and Depp).  And, as if you weren't already the mac-daddy that you are, you also pulled THIS AMAZING STUNT recently.

Let's do a quick rundown of some the films you've starred in over the last twenty years.


1. THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995)

This is the one that really put him on the map.  I think I hated this movie for about 100 of its 106 minutes of total running time the first time I watched it, but the ending is one of the best, and of course, Spacey narrates most of the story in a wonderful way.  Spaceman received an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for this one.


2. SE7EN (1995)

Take note of the fact that the two main stars of this film are some of those familiar names you always hear thrown around in the "best actors of our generation" conversation we've all had late at night after a couple cold ones.  Perhaps due to this Spacey's superb portrayal of a homicidal maniac gets swept under the rug and often forgotten in this David Fincher classic.


3. L.A. Confidential (1997)

"Rolo...Tomassi...."  Spacey just has a knack for picking roles in which he gets to drop these plot line bombs on moviegoers, doesn't he?  Anyone who is familiar with this film knows what I'm talking about.  One of my favorite films of all time, L.A. Confidential's cast is rivaled by few movies and the writing is even better.  Being born in 1959 Spacey missed most of the 50's, but as smooth Jack Vincennes, he makes it seems like he was destined to exist in that decade.

4. MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL (1997)

Alright, not the best movie he's done, but a solid testament to Spacey's role selection as he shines in his portrayal of the charismatic and alluring Georgian, Jim Williams.  Read the book about this true story before you see the movie.

5. AMERICAN BEAUTY (1999)

Has there ever been an easier character to root for than Lester Burnham, a.k.a. my hero?  Or perhaps here's the better question: Can you picture anyone pulling off Lester Burnham's character any better than Kevin Spacey?  Probably not, and that's why it won him an Academy Award for Best Actor .

6. THE LIFE OF DAVID GALE (2003)

Somewhat of an overlooked movie with another one of those endings that leaves you dumbfounded.  It's Spacey's convincing acting job few can pull off which allows the viewer to be lead into a trap that sets themselves up for such a shock.

7. BEYOND THE SEA (2004)

A brave role to take on.  If you're not familiar with the music or life of singer/songwriter Bobby Darin, you're doing yourself an injustice, as his music is the tits, and he had a very interesting life.  Darin was in a way second fiddle to the other heavy hitters of the lounge/big band scene of the 50's and early 60's like Sinatra and Dean Martin.  Unlike them, however, he wrote most of his own music.  The fact that Spacey decided to take on this role due to his interest in Darin makes me appreciate the man even more.  It should be noted that there's no lip syncing through out the entire movie, it's all Kevin Spacey actually singing. 

8. SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006)

He's Lex Luther who almost took down Superman.  That's gotta count for something...right?  

9.  MOON (2009)

Another one of my all time favorites, and another role that speaks to Spacey's diversity and humility as an actor.  Do you think that Brad Pitt or Morgan Freeman would take on the role as the voice of GERTY, an A.I. robot mechanism, in the feature debut film of Duncan Jones, son of rock legend David Bowie?  Of course not, but Spacey will because he is 8 million times cooler than both of those actors put together.

Is Muslim jizz worth more than Christian jizz?

While reading some crappy watered down article on yahoo news, I stumbled upon a confusing term that I've never heard used before... In reference to some scumbag terrorist in Algeria named Mokhtar Belmokhtar, yahoo writes: A holy warrior-cum-smuggler dubbed "The Uncatchable" by French intelligence and "Mister Marlboro" by some locals for his illicit cigarette-running business, Belmokhtar's links to those who seized towns across northern Mali last year are unclear. I've heard of cum drinkers, cum dumpsters, cum fiends, cum rags, cum wad, and even cum pie. But never holy warrior-cum-smuggler. For some reason i find myself rooting for this guy.

NFL Lips

Overrated Things in Life

So many things in life sound great on paper but lead to disastrous consequences when put into application.  It usually starts with a phone call from your friend or girlfriend containing a "no-brainer" proposition to enjoy a nice meal outside or get in on a spicy economic deal, and that's when things go awry.  The next time your presented with what seems like a great option, think again.  Here are the following most overrated things in life:

1. Eating Lunch Outside

Ahh, nothing quite like that first spring day where all the business casual zombies look to sit in the park, air out their winter-worn faces and ingest fatty treats.  Come lunchtime, every cubicle dweller purchases an artisanal sandwich from a hip food truck and waddles over to the green to plop down Indian style and start munching.  As you line up to buy a $9 grilled cheese from a guy that used to work at Spencer's Gifts, you realize the menu has a minimal selection of questionable food items, but it's more about being outside....and stuff.

"So, where do you buy your white sneakers?"

After buying your "meal" you head over to the pasture with the rest of the livestock. As a grown man, your attempts to sit indian style while enjoying the soup/sandwich combo make you look like a paraplegic trying to bob for apples with a straight jacket on. Pretty soon your khakis are covered in clam chowder, then you catch a glimpse in between the legs of Bev from HR, also struggling Indian style, as she cautiously devours her meatball sub so as to no lose precious meat out of the back end of the roll.  The sight of Bev's nether regions coupled with the wafting chowder into your face ruins your appetite for the foreseeable future, and now you're eager to schlep more spreadsheets at your cube.

2. Professional Sports Games

"Dude, I got some really cheap [professional sports team] tickets, do you want to go?  We'll head over after work and have some beers.  They're like $45 each. " "Sure, that sound infinitely better than going to an 'expensive' bar and running up a huge tab," you respond.  After work you hop into a cab, and $15 minutes later, you're outside the local sports venue ready for fun.  Or, if you're a real saver, you take the train to the game, which is like saving $12 to be shoved into a shoe box with the entire population of a Water Country.  I hope you like the like the smell of armpits from New Hampshire.

Park Street station on game day.

Either way, here you are! Now it's time to grab a quick beer in one of the fine watering holes and get pumped for the match.  Unfortunately, everywhere is packed--but you soldier on into a packed bar where everyone is drinking aluminum bottles and staring at each other. Twenty minutes later you're signing a $20 tab for two beers and walking to the game because there isn't enough time to order food.  Fifteen minutes later, your at your seat $30 deeper in the hole after two watered down beers and some cafeteria-grade slop that costs more than a lunch special at Ruth's Chris.  Throughout your journey you've turned down several solicitations from photographers, credit card companies and corporate sponsors all desperate to enhance your experience. The next 2 - 3 hours is filled with endless Kiss 108 "jams" and TV timeouts--as well as pinching your dick until it explodes while waiting to get to the end of the period take a piss. During the end of the game you go beerless just long enough to ruin the $70 buzz you created earlier--which was the only thing that was keeping you happy.  Now it's time to leave the game $200 poorer and being eyed down by some kid from Danvers with diamond studs and fake Timberlands because he thinks you looked at his plastic girlfriend's disgusting ass.  Have fun--cab ride home is only $20.

3. Old People

How many of us have sought out life lessons from our elders.  Little do we know, never will you hear more irrational things disguised as sage advice and life experience.  Despite growing up in an era where creamed corn was a delicacy, Old People love to tell us how we should live our day to day life so that we can be as happy as them and their "condos." Old people grew up being shipped off to war for years at a time, suffering economic depression, and fighting for other rights and privileges we all take for granted.  Thus, an old person giving us advice is like learning how to build a house from a guy that sleeps in a refrigerator box. It's different for us--we have Ipods and shit.  If I wanted to know how to drive a Ferrari I wouldn't ask a mime on a unicycle who probably gets scared when he sees engine. Disclaimer: I love both my Nanas very much.

4. Rational Decisions

Don't take this one the wrong way, people shouldn't be scumbags or anything, but you know the guy I'm talking about. He majored in something practical, knows when to "call it quits" on a night out, and has everything planned out in a way that seems completely safe and normal until one of his fellow co-workers walks in an ices him with a cross-bow. Many people are dull enough that they like playing it safe, and they're happy with the Dilbert's life.  Others aren't, but their intuitive survival sense makes them risk averse in certain situations and they go with the "safe" option. "Should we buy a couch, or go on vacation?" There is usually one option that makes "sense" and one that is actually fun. With some restraint, I argue for the fun one.  No one will remember that ketchup stained couch in ten years, but memories of you shitting yourself on the way home from a bar in Ireland will last a lifetime.  Wait until you have kids to be responsible.

5. Honey Mustard Sauce

Come on, seriously. This shit isn't that good, it's just sweet mustard. Has nothing on BBQ sauce but people chow it like it makes them shit gold. Get a grip here, people.

6. Indoor Scarves

If you're wearing a scarf indoors, it's probably not because your neck is cold, but because you saw someone on Bravo do it and you consider yourself fashionable. There is a time and place for scarves, and it's never indoors unless you have to cover up a hole in your neck from smoking seventy cigarettes per day over the last forty years, and in that case, I'm sorry. Otherwise, just take the thing off and let your neck breathe, I'm sure it's being chaffed by that that corduroy blazer you're wearing.

"I am a human bottle of NyQuil."

This is a crime in misdemeanor form if you if you're wearing the scarf similar to that of an untied neck tie. It's a full-blown felony if the scarf is tied in that tight knot thing that makes your head look like a finger with a string tied around it. In that case I won't be talking to you in any circumstances because I don't trust your judgment and never want to hear what you have to say.

Happy Thanksgiving

I do! I do!

6 sexual torture devices for retired executives

X Affordable Sexual Torture Devices for Retired Executives

Despite what you hear, everyone likes to get a little freaky--and retired rich white guys are no exception. Actually, after years of desperately trying to fit in and keep up with the Joneses, it’s not surprising that seemingly wholesome pillars of the community are actually sexually depraved lunatics. For this growing market of retired americans looking to spice up their Sunday mornings with physical pain and submission, here are a few of the finer sexual torture devices on the market.  Nothing special or elaborate, just reliable violent sexual products at a price that any social security recipient could afford.  

The Centre Cup

Calling all history buffs! Like any red-blooded american, you’ve been dying to bring some olde timey towne square embarrassment in the form of a pillory binding structure with a sleek modern design.  And with the low purchase price, you’ll never be so proud to be ashamed! 

The Swing Shirt

Gone are the days when buying restrictive sexual clothing required driving to “mixed race” neighborhoods.  Your liberal kids aren’t lying--internet style commerce is revolutionizing the sex torture market and the swing shirt is a perfect example.  The clever stitching and popping orange color will make any sub happy despite not having the use of his arms to defend himself against a hormone-fueled violent sexual attack.  Fun “Bahama Style” colors also available!

Perfect Connextion

Although different and far more painful than the Swingshirt, this torture device reminds the sub of their lack of control by restricting all blood flow below the biceps.  The strong titanium bar and functional rubber collars provide light-weight and durability for those long nights of disgusting perversion.  

Gold Flex

Not Pictured: Eagerly Awaiting Wrinkly Ball Sac

Talk about a monkey wrench!  Penetration and full swing contact are just a few of the many great uses of this revolutionary and affordable masochistic device.  Eager subs can either bend over or spread their gross legs for a quick punch towards sexual pleasure.  

Swingrite

The futuristic SwingRite can turn any quiet night at home into a shameful and embarrassing experience for even the most aggressive and competitive executives.  With little setup or assembly, the SwingRite is a convenient and fun sex weapon that will appease even the most gluttonous of perverse appetites!

Clayton

Animals From Hell

1. The Shark – That's a real photo.  If you don't think that thing's a straight up Satan-child, then you should stop taking crazy pills.

2. The Snake – Kill every snake you ever come across in your lifetime.  If you don't, I'll assume you think AIDS is cool too.

Hop in!

3. The Hyena - Sick demon-eyes you got going there, hyena.  Who gave you those things?  Lucifer?

4. Spiders - Yea, I get it, they eat insects therefore we have less mosquitoes.  But I don't trust anything that has more than two eyes and produces a strong enough venom to kill a small horse.  Pretty sure this scene from Arachnophobia was enough to put me over the edge.

5. Eels - So there's an animal that can produce up to 600 volts of electricity.  I'm sorry, what?  We are talking about Earth here, right?  Where's Valentine McKee when you need him?

Move over Slash

Harry

Live Webcast Fail

A-Hole

Alienzzzzzz

This is a real photograph of another galaxy taken by Thomas Read.  The Independent informs us about the photo:

"The Sunflower Galaxy, by Thomas Read (UK, aged 12): Winner of the robotic scope category. A spiral system like the Milky Way, Messier 63 has arms which encircle the yellowish centre of the galaxy like the petals of a flower, earning it the nickname of the Sunflower Galaxy. This image was captured by the young photographer using the Bradford Robotic Telescope in Tenerife, which he controlled over the internet" 


So that's what another galaxy looks like, huh?  And they named it after Mark Messier?  Nice call.

Click on this link for a better look:

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/features/out-of-this-world-astronomy-photographer-of-the-year-8159658.html?action=gallery&ino=11

Mom and Dad went to a Show

Krang