Is Muslim jizz worth more than Christian jizz?

While reading some crappy watered down article on yahoo news, I stumbled upon a confusing term that I've never heard used before... In reference to some scumbag terrorist in Algeria named Mokhtar Belmokhtar, yahoo writes: A holy warrior-cum-smuggler dubbed "The Uncatchable" by French intelligence and "Mister Marlboro" by some locals for his illicit cigarette-running business, Belmokhtar's links to those who seized towns across northern Mali last year are unclear. I've heard of cum drinkers, cum dumpsters, cum fiends, cum rags, cum wad, and even cum pie. But never holy warrior-cum-smuggler. For some reason i find myself rooting for this guy.

NFL Lips

Overrated Things in Life

So many things in life sound great on paper but lead to disastrous consequences when put into application.  It usually starts with a phone call from your friend or girlfriend containing a "no-brainer" proposition to enjoy a nice meal outside or get in on a spicy economic deal, and that's when things go awry.  The next time your presented with what seems like a great option, think again.  Here are the following most overrated things in life:

1. Eating Lunch Outside

Ahh, nothing quite like that first spring day where all the business casual zombies look to sit in the park, air out their winter-worn faces and ingest fatty treats.  Come lunchtime, every cubicle dweller purchases an artisanal sandwich from a hip food truck and waddles over to the green to plop down Indian style and start munching.  As you line up to buy a $9 grilled cheese from a guy that used to work at Spencer's Gifts, you realize the menu has a minimal selection of questionable food items, but it's more about being outside....and stuff.

"So, where do you buy your white sneakers?"

After buying your "meal" you head over to the pasture with the rest of the livestock. As a grown man, your attempts to sit indian style while enjoying the soup/sandwich combo make you look like a paraplegic trying to bob for apples with a straight jacket on. Pretty soon your khakis are covered in clam chowder, then you catch a glimpse in between the legs of Bev from HR, also struggling Indian style, as she cautiously devours her meatball sub so as to no lose precious meat out of the back end of the roll.  The sight of Bev's nether regions coupled with the wafting chowder into your face ruins your appetite for the foreseeable future, and now you're eager to schlep more spreadsheets at your cube.

2. Professional Sports Games

"Dude, I got some really cheap [professional sports team] tickets, do you want to go?  We'll head over after work and have some beers.  They're like $45 each. " "Sure, that sound infinitely better than going to an 'expensive' bar and running up a huge tab," you respond.  After work you hop into a cab, and $15 minutes later, you're outside the local sports venue ready for fun.  Or, if you're a real saver, you take the train to the game, which is like saving $12 to be shoved into a shoe box with the entire population of a Water Country.  I hope you like the like the smell of armpits from New Hampshire.

Park Street station on game day.

Either way, here you are! Now it's time to grab a quick beer in one of the fine watering holes and get pumped for the match.  Unfortunately, everywhere is packed--but you soldier on into a packed bar where everyone is drinking aluminum bottles and staring at each other. Twenty minutes later you're signing a $20 tab for two beers and walking to the game because there isn't enough time to order food.  Fifteen minutes later, your at your seat $30 deeper in the hole after two watered down beers and some cafeteria-grade slop that costs more than a lunch special at Ruth's Chris.  Throughout your journey you've turned down several solicitations from photographers, credit card companies and corporate sponsors all desperate to enhance your experience. The next 2 - 3 hours is filled with endless Kiss 108 "jams" and TV timeouts--as well as pinching your dick until it explodes while waiting to get to the end of the period take a piss. During the end of the game you go beerless just long enough to ruin the $70 buzz you created earlier--which was the only thing that was keeping you happy.  Now it's time to leave the game $200 poorer and being eyed down by some kid from Danvers with diamond studs and fake Timberlands because he thinks you looked at his plastic girlfriend's disgusting ass.  Have fun--cab ride home is only $20.

3. Old People

How many of us have sought out life lessons from our elders.  Little do we know, never will you hear more irrational things disguised as sage advice and life experience.  Despite growing up in an era where creamed corn was a delicacy, Old People love to tell us how we should live our day to day life so that we can be as happy as them and their "condos." Old people grew up being shipped off to war for years at a time, suffering economic depression, and fighting for other rights and privileges we all take for granted.  Thus, an old person giving us advice is like learning how to build a house from a guy that sleeps in a refrigerator box. It's different for us--we have Ipods and shit.  If I wanted to know how to drive a Ferrari I wouldn't ask a mime on a unicycle who probably gets scared when he sees engine. Disclaimer: I love both my Nanas very much.

4. Rational Decisions

Don't take this one the wrong way, people shouldn't be scumbags or anything, but you know the guy I'm talking about. He majored in something practical, knows when to "call it quits" on a night out, and has everything planned out in a way that seems completely safe and normal until one of his fellow co-workers walks in an ices him with a cross-bow. Many people are dull enough that they like playing it safe, and they're happy with the Dilbert's life.  Others aren't, but their intuitive survival sense makes them risk averse in certain situations and they go with the "safe" option. "Should we buy a couch, or go on vacation?" There is usually one option that makes "sense" and one that is actually fun. With some restraint, I argue for the fun one.  No one will remember that ketchup stained couch in ten years, but memories of you shitting yourself on the way home from a bar in Ireland will last a lifetime.  Wait until you have kids to be responsible.

5. Honey Mustard Sauce

Come on, seriously. This shit isn't that good, it's just sweet mustard. Has nothing on BBQ sauce but people chow it like it makes them shit gold. Get a grip here, people.

6. Indoor Scarves

If you're wearing a scarf indoors, it's probably not because your neck is cold, but because you saw someone on Bravo do it and you consider yourself fashionable. There is a time and place for scarves, and it's never indoors unless you have to cover up a hole in your neck from smoking seventy cigarettes per day over the last forty years, and in that case, I'm sorry. Otherwise, just take the thing off and let your neck breathe, I'm sure it's being chaffed by that that corduroy blazer you're wearing.

"I am a human bottle of NyQuil."

This is a crime in misdemeanor form if you if you're wearing the scarf similar to that of an untied neck tie. It's a full-blown felony if the scarf is tied in that tight knot thing that makes your head look like a finger with a string tied around it. In that case I won't be talking to you in any circumstances because I don't trust your judgment and never want to hear what you have to say.

Happy Thanksgiving

I do! I do!

6 sexual torture devices for retired executives

X Affordable Sexual Torture Devices for Retired Executives

Despite what you hear, everyone likes to get a little freaky--and retired rich white guys are no exception. Actually, after years of desperately trying to fit in and keep up with the Joneses, it’s not surprising that seemingly wholesome pillars of the community are actually sexually depraved lunatics. For this growing market of retired americans looking to spice up their Sunday mornings with physical pain and submission, here are a few of the finer sexual torture devices on the market.  Nothing special or elaborate, just reliable violent sexual products at a price that any social security recipient could afford.  

The Centre Cup

Calling all history buffs! Like any red-blooded american, you’ve been dying to bring some olde timey towne square embarrassment in the form of a pillory binding structure with a sleek modern design.  And with the low purchase price, you’ll never be so proud to be ashamed! 

The Swing Shirt

Gone are the days when buying restrictive sexual clothing required driving to “mixed race” neighborhoods.  Your liberal kids aren’t lying--internet style commerce is revolutionizing the sex torture market and the swing shirt is a perfect example.  The clever stitching and popping orange color will make any sub happy despite not having the use of his arms to defend himself against a hormone-fueled violent sexual attack.  Fun “Bahama Style” colors also available!

Perfect Connextion

Although different and far more painful than the Swingshirt, this torture device reminds the sub of their lack of control by restricting all blood flow below the biceps.  The strong titanium bar and functional rubber collars provide light-weight and durability for those long nights of disgusting perversion.  

Gold Flex

Not Pictured: Eagerly Awaiting Wrinkly Ball Sac

Talk about a monkey wrench!  Penetration and full swing contact are just a few of the many great uses of this revolutionary and affordable masochistic device.  Eager subs can either bend over or spread their gross legs for a quick punch towards sexual pleasure.  

Swingrite

The futuristic SwingRite can turn any quiet night at home into a shameful and embarrassing experience for even the most aggressive and competitive executives.  With little setup or assembly, the SwingRite is a convenient and fun sex weapon that will appease even the most gluttonous of perverse appetites!

Clayton

Animals From Hell

1. The Shark – That's a real photo.  If you don't think that thing's a straight up Satan-child, then you should stop taking crazy pills.

2. The Snake – Kill every snake you ever come across in your lifetime.  If you don't, I'll assume you think AIDS is cool too.

Hop in!

3. The Hyena - Sick demon-eyes you got going there, hyena.  Who gave you those things?  Lucifer?

4. Spiders - Yea, I get it, they eat insects therefore we have less mosquitoes.  But I don't trust anything that has more than two eyes and produces a strong enough venom to kill a small horse.  Pretty sure this scene from Arachnophobia was enough to put me over the edge.

5. Eels - So there's an animal that can produce up to 600 volts of electricity.  I'm sorry, what?  We are talking about Earth here, right?  Where's Valentine McKee when you need him?

Move over Slash

Harry

Live Webcast Fail

A-Hole

Alienzzzzzz

This is a real photograph of another galaxy taken by Thomas Read.  The Independent informs us about the photo:

"The Sunflower Galaxy, by Thomas Read (UK, aged 12): Winner of the robotic scope category. A spiral system like the Milky Way, Messier 63 has arms which encircle the yellowish centre of the galaxy like the petals of a flower, earning it the nickname of the Sunflower Galaxy. This image was captured by the young photographer using the Bradford Robotic Telescope in Tenerife, which he controlled over the internet" 


So that's what another galaxy looks like, huh?  And they named it after Mark Messier?  Nice call.

Click on this link for a better look:

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/features/out-of-this-world-astronomy-photographer-of-the-year-8159658.html?action=gallery&ino=11

Mom and Dad went to a Show

Krang

Butt Rock

Animals You Don't Fuck With: Episode 2

THE PYTHON

Class: Reptilia

Location: Northern Africa and many parts of Asia

Notable Characteristic: They have been seen swimming in the ocean, and they've been known to eat nearly anything if hungry enough

Why you don't fuck with it:

The Python spawns from the deepest, darkest pits of hell, along with sharks, spiders, eels, and countless other animals that I'll eventually get to in one episode or another.  Good luck fending yourself from this slithery shitbag if you happen to cross paths with one in your unfortunate travels.  Check out the four rows of razor sharp inverted teeth, bro.  If bitten, there's no amount of squats or lat curls that could help you in stopping Mr. Deathgrip from literally squeezing the meat out of your head until you die, before swallowing you whole as it unhinges its bottom jaw.  It will slowly crush your bones as it digests you and use its insanely powerful muscles to slide you down into its belly.  Sound like fun?  Then go take a fucking safari cruise out in Asia somewhere and climb a tree.

Here's a funny video of a python eating a baby alligator alive.  Cool!

Here's another of one that ate a whole pig, while some freak-shows cut the thing open for fun.

And finally, a vid of a python that ate a whole goddamn cow.  

China may be surpassing the U.S. in global economy, but at least we ain't got 7–foot minions of Satan perusing the local neighborhoods. 

Fuck You Deval

Patrick signed into law, the "three strikes bill" this morning. I think most people understand what this is. California tried under the govenator and totally fucked up their entire prison system. people were getting locked up for LIFE for weed charges and DUIs.
I dunno what I'm more pissed about, this becoming a law, or the fact that Deval signed it in a "secret meeting" this morning. I didn't realize we lived in fucking Russia.

ps. Deval Patrick visited my work four months ago, and spoke about how he would never agree to pass this law. What a fucking coward. I hope you die
http://www.boston.com/metrodesk/2012/08/02/deval-patrick-signs-repeat-offender-crime-bill-private-state-house-ceremony/rjms7x4ROPh2qcGvr2unLK/story.html

Hey Jack, do you think we're going to have fun at the wedding this weekend?

Rodgers