Happy Thanksgiving

I do! I do!

6 sexual torture devices for retired executives

X Affordable Sexual Torture Devices for Retired Executives

Despite what you hear, everyone likes to get a little freaky--and retired rich white guys are no exception. Actually, after years of desperately trying to fit in and keep up with the Joneses, it’s not surprising that seemingly wholesome pillars of the community are actually sexually depraved lunatics. For this growing market of retired americans looking to spice up their Sunday mornings with physical pain and submission, here are a few of the finer sexual torture devices on the market.  Nothing special or elaborate, just reliable violent sexual products at a price that any social security recipient could afford.  

The Centre Cup

Calling all history buffs! Like any red-blooded american, you’ve been dying to bring some olde timey towne square embarrassment in the form of a pillory binding structure with a sleek modern design.  And with the low purchase price, you’ll never be so proud to be ashamed! 

The Swing Shirt

Gone are the days when buying restrictive sexual clothing required driving to “mixed race” neighborhoods.  Your liberal kids aren’t lying--internet style commerce is revolutionizing the sex torture market and the swing shirt is a perfect example.  The clever stitching and popping orange color will make any sub happy despite not having the use of his arms to defend himself against a hormone-fueled violent sexual attack.  Fun “Bahama Style” colors also available!

Perfect Connextion

Although different and far more painful than the Swingshirt, this torture device reminds the sub of their lack of control by restricting all blood flow below the biceps.  The strong titanium bar and functional rubber collars provide light-weight and durability for those long nights of disgusting perversion.  

Gold Flex

Not Pictured: Eagerly Awaiting Wrinkly Ball Sac

Talk about a monkey wrench!  Penetration and full swing contact are just a few of the many great uses of this revolutionary and affordable masochistic device.  Eager subs can either bend over or spread their gross legs for a quick punch towards sexual pleasure.  

Swingrite

The futuristic SwingRite can turn any quiet night at home into a shameful and embarrassing experience for even the most aggressive and competitive executives.  With little setup or assembly, the SwingRite is a convenient and fun sex weapon that will appease even the most gluttonous of perverse appetites!

Clayton

Animals From Hell

1. The Shark – That's a real photo.  If you don't think that thing's a straight up Satan-child, then you should stop taking crazy pills.

2. The Snake – Kill every snake you ever come across in your lifetime.  If you don't, I'll assume you think AIDS is cool too.

Hop in!

3. The Hyena - Sick demon-eyes you got going there, hyena.  Who gave you those things?  Lucifer?

4. Spiders - Yea, I get it, they eat insects therefore we have less mosquitoes.  But I don't trust anything that has more than two eyes and produces a strong enough venom to kill a small horse.  Pretty sure this scene from Arachnophobia was enough to put me over the edge.

5. Eels - So there's an animal that can produce up to 600 volts of electricity.  I'm sorry, what?  We are talking about Earth here, right?  Where's Valentine McKee when you need him?

Move over Slash

Harry

Live Webcast Fail

A-Hole

Alienzzzzzz

This is a real photograph of another galaxy taken by Thomas Read.  The Independent informs us about the photo:

"The Sunflower Galaxy, by Thomas Read (UK, aged 12): Winner of the robotic scope category. A spiral system like the Milky Way, Messier 63 has arms which encircle the yellowish centre of the galaxy like the petals of a flower, earning it the nickname of the Sunflower Galaxy. This image was captured by the young photographer using the Bradford Robotic Telescope in Tenerife, which he controlled over the internet" 


So that's what another galaxy looks like, huh?  And they named it after Mark Messier?  Nice call.

Click on this link for a better look:

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/features/out-of-this-world-astronomy-photographer-of-the-year-8159658.html?action=gallery&ino=11

Mom and Dad went to a Show

Krang

Butt Rock

Animals You Don't Fuck With: Episode 2

THE PYTHON

Class: Reptilia

Location: Northern Africa and many parts of Asia

Notable Characteristic: They have been seen swimming in the ocean, and they've been known to eat nearly anything if hungry enough

Why you don't fuck with it:

The Python spawns from the deepest, darkest pits of hell, along with sharks, spiders, eels, and countless other animals that I'll eventually get to in one episode or another.  Good luck fending yourself from this slithery shitbag if you happen to cross paths with one in your unfortunate travels.  Check out the four rows of razor sharp inverted teeth, bro.  If bitten, there's no amount of squats or lat curls that could help you in stopping Mr. Deathgrip from literally squeezing the meat out of your head until you die, before swallowing you whole as it unhinges its bottom jaw.  It will slowly crush your bones as it digests you and use its insanely powerful muscles to slide you down into its belly.  Sound like fun?  Then go take a fucking safari cruise out in Asia somewhere and climb a tree.

Here's a funny video of a python eating a baby alligator alive.  Cool!

Here's another of one that ate a whole pig, while some freak-shows cut the thing open for fun.

And finally, a vid of a python that ate a whole goddamn cow.  

China may be surpassing the U.S. in global economy, but at least we ain't got 7–foot minions of Satan perusing the local neighborhoods. 

Fuck You Deval

Patrick signed into law, the "three strikes bill" this morning. I think most people understand what this is. California tried under the govenator and totally fucked up their entire prison system. people were getting locked up for LIFE for weed charges and DUIs.
I dunno what I'm more pissed about, this becoming a law, or the fact that Deval signed it in a "secret meeting" this morning. I didn't realize we lived in fucking Russia.

ps. Deval Patrick visited my work four months ago, and spoke about how he would never agree to pass this law. What a fucking coward. I hope you die
http://www.boston.com/metrodesk/2012/08/02/deval-patrick-signs-repeat-offender-crime-bill-private-state-house-ceremony/rjms7x4ROPh2qcGvr2unLK/story.html

Hey Jack, do you think we're going to have fun at the wedding this weekend?

Rodgers

NFL training camp starts July 26th

This guys more excited than me for football season, but I can understand where hes coming from.  I am sick of baseball already and will soon be sick of the Olympics.  While some events are watchable, its mainly just an excuse for pedder-asses to watch for a glimpse of a 14 year old girls camel toe while she rips front handsprings on the pommel horse. 

SCARY