Don't Look Now, But It's Arnold Schwarzenegger and George H.W. Bush on a Toboggan

Sean King of NY Daily: Peyton Manning is a FRAUD

THE MANNING FAMILY IS SLIME

The link above is a story that solidifies what I've always thought to be true about the Manning family; they are slime.

There's always been something about the Manning's that just didn't feel right.  As if there was more behind the curtain of Peyton's Nationwide Insurance gimmicks, and the weird-as-fuck relationship he maintains with that creepazoid Papa John (whom Peyton smooched on the field right as the clock struck 0:00 at last week's Super Bowl.  What a freakshow).

Archie always seems to be pulling strings behind the scenes in manufacturing the reputations and images of his two quarterback sons, which is fine, but it never seems genuine and positive.  People forget the fact that Eli Manning (under Archie's supervision) refused to be drafted by the San Diego Chargers, with the Manning camp claiming that he would hold out if San Diego ever drafted him.  I strongly feel that if you refuse to play for a team that drafts you, then you should never be allowed to play a game in your league.  You undermine the entire parity and integrity of the league with that move.  It's that kind of sense of entitlement that makes me want the Manning family to take a long walk off a short pier.

And now, only a month removed from allegations surfacing of Peyton Manning's wife receiving shipments of HGH, this OLD story surfaces about Peyton Manning sticking his dick and balls on a woman's head while he was at the University of Tennessee.  Why have you never heard of this story before?  Because Archie became the Wolf from Pulp Fiction and made it all disappear, but he did so by slandering and ruining the career and reputation of a woman whom his squeaky clean, darling of the media son, Peyton, used to routinely refer to by "bitch" and make unwanted sexual advances on.

Just read the article before the Wolf gets to it and cleans up the backseat of the car.

Solid Recovery

Work Place Conversations That Make Me Want to Just End It All

MONDAY

– You: "Hey, how was your weekend?"
– Him: "Pretty good, but too short, yaknowwhadImean? he he he..."
– You: "Yea...I hear you..."

TUESDAY

– You: "How's it going?"
– Her: "Ugh my youngest Joey I've told you befoah that he has a sensitivity to certain types of choclate right? well anyways we thought he'd had whoppers in the past and it wasn't an issue but apparently maybe the malt choclate got to him because the rash he broke out in oh i can't even staht i can't even and my husband was of course away on business so guess who's left playin' nurse for the night and has to take him to the hospital and my gawd they just let you sit there and rot in that waitin' room for hours befoah callin' yah in don't they..."

WEDNESDAY

– You: "How's it going?"
– Him: "Oh, it's going"
– You: "Ha, yea...I hear you..."

THURSDAY

– You: "How's it going?"
– Her: "Is it Friday yet?"
– You: "..."

FRIDAY

–You: "How's it going?"
–Him: "Hey, it's Friday, ammaright???"

Cohutta Town - Pilot Episode

Cohutta Town - Pilot Episode

Written By

New England Potpourri

SCENE 1

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

In front of his bay window, Phil Persnickety, wearing a suit and tie, sips his coffee with a folded newspaper in his hands. He views a large moving truck pulling into the unkempt house across the street. In the overgrown lawn sits a sign that reads “Estate Sale.”

PHIL

Well, I’m upset to hear about the passing of old Mrs. Dustcrathers, but I can’t say I’m not happy about the prospect of new owners. I didn’t move to Sperryville to look at overgrown hedges and rusty pick up trucks!

JEAN

Oh, Phil, who could think about that so soon? Poor Mabel lived alone and had no help.

PHIL

Jean, please. The woman was ninety-five and her lot was a burden on all of our property values. I’m excited for a young upstart to move in and improve the lot like I did. And who knows, maybe we’ll have a new member of the investing club!

JEAN

Well, I heard from the Kensingtons that the house is staying in the family. Apparently she has a long lost nephew from Georgia that’s moving in.

PHIL

Mmm..Georgia.. that’s interesting. I’d certainly like to stick around but I’m already behind schedule and I have a big sales appointment with the rubber plant guys today. If it goes well, Bill thinks I have a shot at making assistant vice chair to the regional solicitor general of distribution. And with our big fundraising barbecue this weekend, I’m sure we’ll be the toast of the town. The guys down at the social club will be oggling our new Buick LaCrosse! Yes, Jean, things are looking up for the Persnicketys! I’m off to work!

PHIL kisses JEAN and steps outside. He gets into his 2011 Buick LaCrosse, backs out awkwardly around the moving truck, and drives off out of the frame.

END SCENE 1

Master of Your Craft

Master of Your Craft

RIP Robin Williams

Things That Chap My Ass #4

You are driving.  The side of the road that you are on has two lanes.  You are approaching a four way stoplight in the left-hand lane with the intention of going straight through the intersection.  The person in front of you seems to have the same intentions...UNTIL THEY THROW THEIR FUCKING LEFT BLINKER ON EXACTLY AS THEY REACH THE INTERSECTION AND YOU GET STUCK BEHIND THEM AS THEY WAIT FOR THE OPPOSING TRAFFIC TO CLEAR SO THEY CAN TURN AND YOU CAN"T GO AROUND THEM BECAUSE THE DRIVERS IN THE LANE TO YOUR RIGHT ARE CRUISING RIGHT THROUGH THE FRIGGIN' INTERSECTION AND THE LIGHT TURNS RED AND THE DUDE IN FRONT OF YOU TURNS AND YOU DON'T MAKE IT THROUGH THE LIGHT.

PGA Championship Weekend

Jack Nicklaus recently went on record saying he believes that Rory McIlroy could win 15 or 20 major championships.  I am with you, Jack.  I, for one, am hoping to God that this happens.  The PGA Tour needs it to happen.  Badly.

Why do we watch sports?  Or maybe it's better to ask the question "What are not the reasons why we watch sports?"  We certainly don't watch sports because of the Martin Kaymer's and Luke Donald's of the world (at least I don't).  We watch because of the 1982 Cal-Stanford band-on-the-field play, because of the Auburn-Alabama Chris Davis return TD, plays that we never quite expect to happen but always hope to witness.  We also watch to see mastery of one's craft.

Jack Nicklaus' 18 championships is why we watch, and the shriveled remains of the chase for Jack's 18 by the golfer formerly known as Tiger Woods was why we watched.  Whether watching to see records broken (Cal Ripken's Ironman record) or to see them preserved (2010-2013 Miami Heat, 2007 Patriots) the quest for the unattainable is so riveting and lush in entertainment value that we all choose to watch regardless of what side of the argument we fall on.  And that is why the PGA Tour needs Rory to fill the cavernous void left by Tiger's decaying body and fading legacy.

(And I need to digress for a minute here into Tiger's legacy, which is drifting into forgetfulness with every missed cut and new injury that pops up.  With the recent BioGenesis arrests, it seems like there's a more than reasonable chance that somewhere down the line a report will be released directly linking Tiger Woods to performance enhancing drugs.  Based on his lifestyle, his pompous, fraudulent image that he puts on for the cameras, and the injury bug that has now hit him hard as of late, not to mention his lack of major wins, there is nothing to deter my gut belief that Tiger was at one time on some form of performance enhancement.  Even if I'm wrong about that, Tiger's fall from grace still hits that same nerve deep within me when I think of Bonds, A-Rod, and McGwire.   Do you ever think back on the home run records set first by McGwire and then Bonds, and say to yourself, "Wow, what a wonderful, special thing that was"?  I don't.  As a sports fan, these moments should feel as special to me as the Auburn-Alabama come back game, or when Ripken broke Gehrig's Ironman record.  But instead they've lost their luster, like that Christmas gift that once made your universe as a 6 year-old, but now as a jaded teenager you can't quite reproduce that same special feeling you once had for it.  That is where the tale of Tiger Woods' is headed, into the cloudy, distant realm of all things that were once special.)

So, Rory.  You are why I am watching this weekend.  You just turned 25 years old in May and have three major championship wins, joining Tiger and Jack as the only others to win three by the age of 25. You are good enough to be placed in the same sentence as these two.  I am rooting and hoping for you to win your fourth major, and I will root for you to win every one you play in after that.  Please don't let us suffer through another Martin Kaymer U.S. Open again.  The PGA Tour cannot endure this.  Sports fans cannot endure this.  We want to see the pursuit of greatness, your pursuit of greatness.  And I believe you can achieve it.  Unlike Tiger, I believe you are genuine, that you have a respect for the game.  You've also already overcome a bout of adversity while you dealt with off-the-course legal issues last year and your golf game disappeared, something Tiger still can't seem to overcome.  You are capable of special things and I will be watching and hoping for you to be nothing short of that this weekend.

Wad Up

Peace, Love, & Keanu

Check out Keanu's Christmas List...

Murray Moments

Bill Murray.  Since the very beginning of his career he has established his own unique and distinct brand of comedy.  He has also never allowed himself, especially in the latter stages of his career, to be pigeonholed into any movie genre, nor to be cast-typed in his roles.  An amazing feat when one thinks of how well he portrayed the goofy Tripper or Carl Spackler character types.

But the quality and volume of Bill Murray's humor was just to great to be contained in such a small breadth.  Lucky for us viewers the ambitions of Murray, as we benefitted from such great characters as Steve Zissou, Ernie McCracken, Bob Wiley, and of course, Dr. Peter Venkman.  These are a few of my favorite Murray Moments.

Quick Change (1990) 

(my all-time favorite Murray Moment)

Ghostbusters (1984)

Groundhog Day (1993)

What About Bob?  (1991)

Kingpin (1996)

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004)

Zombieland (2009)

PEACE OUT MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

Kirk Herbstreit and Saul Goodman Sound Exactly Alike

Listen.

Things That Chap My Ass #3

Miley Cyrus.

In a modern world that demands us all to endure the existences of Kanye West, Bobby Valentine, and that goof-ball you work with who's constantly roping you into a 15-minute story about his pet turtle from third grade that had diabetes, or how his son throws a "pissah curveball for a 8th gradah", Miley Cyrus had to go and give herself a make-over.

First of all, why the make-over?  You used to be doing just fine for yourself.  And you weren't that annoying, all things considered.  Now you're about as cute as those little dingleberries that get caught in my crack for a 36 hour span and eventually fall out in the shower.  Your new "look" is something of a cross between Madonna, Gwen Stefani, Dennis Rodman, and the troubled girl from English class senior year of high school who ended up getting into crack, got impregnated by two different guys, and now spends most of her welfare check on two packs of Pall Malls and a pint of Gordon's.

And aren't pop stars supposed to be able to sing and dance?  Your singing sucks, and your dancing makes me uncomfortable.  Not uncomfortable like, "ouch, I just sat on tack", but uncomfortable like being told by someone in the first two minutes of you meeting them that their parents got divorced because their dad turned out to be gay and was caught by their mom giving a heej to some guy in the Ground Round parking lot after hours.  ("heej" means handjob)

You really CHAP MY ASS, Miley.

What The.....?!?!?

Kevin Spacey: An American Icon

Mr. Spacey, you deserve your due.  While you may not be the best actor of our generation (although that's debatable), and while you may at one time in your career have been the supporting actor to Dennis Leary (see The Ref), you are always very good, if not great in ALL the movies in which you are cast, which is something that can't always be said for the so-called greatest actors of your generation (I'm looking at you DiCaprio and Depp).  And, as if you weren't already the mac-daddy that you are, you also pulled THIS AMAZING STUNT recently.

Let's do a quick rundown of some the films you've starred in over the last twenty years.


1. THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995)

This is the one that really put him on the map.  I think I hated this movie for about 100 of its 106 minutes of total running time the first time I watched it, but the ending is one of the best, and of course, Spacey narrates most of the story in a wonderful way.  Spaceman received an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for this one.


2. SE7EN (1995)

Take note of the fact that the two main stars of this film are some of those familiar names you always hear thrown around in the "best actors of our generation" conversation we've all had late at night after a couple cold ones.  Perhaps due to this Spacey's superb portrayal of a homicidal maniac gets swept under the rug and often forgotten in this David Fincher classic.


3. L.A. Confidential (1997)

"Rolo...Tomassi...."  Spacey just has a knack for picking roles in which he gets to drop these plot line bombs on moviegoers, doesn't he?  Anyone who is familiar with this film knows what I'm talking about.  One of my favorite films of all time, L.A. Confidential's cast is rivaled by few movies and the writing is even better.  Being born in 1959 Spacey missed most of the 50's, but as smooth Jack Vincennes, he makes it seems like he was destined to exist in that decade.

4. MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL (1997)

Alright, not the best movie he's done, but a solid testament to Spacey's role selection as he shines in his portrayal of the charismatic and alluring Georgian, Jim Williams.  Read the book about this true story before you see the movie.

5. AMERICAN BEAUTY (1999)

Has there ever been an easier character to root for than Lester Burnham, a.k.a. my hero?  Or perhaps here's the better question: Can you picture anyone pulling off Lester Burnham's character any better than Kevin Spacey?  Probably not, and that's why it won him an Academy Award for Best Actor .

6. THE LIFE OF DAVID GALE (2003)

Somewhat of an overlooked movie with another one of those endings that leaves you dumbfounded.  It's Spacey's convincing acting job few can pull off which allows the viewer to be lead into a trap that sets themselves up for such a shock.

7. BEYOND THE SEA (2004)

A brave role to take on.  If you're not familiar with the music or life of singer/songwriter Bobby Darin, you're doing yourself an injustice, as his music is the tits, and he had a very interesting life.  Darin was in a way second fiddle to the other heavy hitters of the lounge/big band scene of the 50's and early 60's like Sinatra and Dean Martin.  Unlike them, however, he wrote most of his own music.  The fact that Spacey decided to take on this role due to his interest in Darin makes me appreciate the man even more.  It should be noted that there's no lip syncing through out the entire movie, it's all Kevin Spacey actually singing. 

8. SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006)

He's Lex Luther who almost took down Superman.  That's gotta count for something...right?  

9.  MOON (2009)

Another one of my all time favorites, and another role that speaks to Spacey's diversity and humility as an actor.  Do you think that Brad Pitt or Morgan Freeman would take on the role as the voice of GERTY, an A.I. robot mechanism, in the feature debut film of Duncan Jones, son of rock legend David Bowie?  Of course not, but Spacey will because he is 8 million times cooler than both of those actors put together.

Is Muslim jizz worth more than Christian jizz?

While reading some crappy watered down article on yahoo news, I stumbled upon a confusing term that I've never heard used before... In reference to some scumbag terrorist in Algeria named Mokhtar Belmokhtar, yahoo writes: A holy warrior-cum-smuggler dubbed "The Uncatchable" by French intelligence and "Mister Marlboro" by some locals for his illicit cigarette-running business, Belmokhtar's links to those who seized towns across northern Mali last year are unclear. I've heard of cum drinkers, cum dumpsters, cum fiends, cum rags, cum wad, and even cum pie. But never holy warrior-cum-smuggler. For some reason i find myself rooting for this guy.

NFL Lips

Overrated Things in Life

So many things in life sound great on paper but lead to disastrous consequences when put into application.  It usually starts with a phone call from your friend or girlfriend containing a "no-brainer" proposition to enjoy a nice meal outside or get in on a spicy economic deal, and that's when things go awry.  The next time your presented with what seems like a great option, think again.  Here are the following most overrated things in life:

1. Eating Lunch Outside

Ahh, nothing quite like that first spring day where all the business casual zombies look to sit in the park, air out their winter-worn faces and ingest fatty treats.  Come lunchtime, every cubicle dweller purchases an artisanal sandwich from a hip food truck and waddles over to the green to plop down Indian style and start munching.  As you line up to buy a $9 grilled cheese from a guy that used to work at Spencer's Gifts, you realize the menu has a minimal selection of questionable food items, but it's more about being outside....and stuff.

"So, where do you buy your white sneakers?"

After buying your "meal" you head over to the pasture with the rest of the livestock. As a grown man, your attempts to sit indian style while enjoying the soup/sandwich combo make you look like a paraplegic trying to bob for apples with a straight jacket on. Pretty soon your khakis are covered in clam chowder, then you catch a glimpse in between the legs of Bev from HR, also struggling Indian style, as she cautiously devours her meatball sub so as to no lose precious meat out of the back end of the roll.  The sight of Bev's nether regions coupled with the wafting chowder into your face ruins your appetite for the foreseeable future, and now you're eager to schlep more spreadsheets at your cube.

2. Professional Sports Games

"Dude, I got some really cheap [professional sports team] tickets, do you want to go?  We'll head over after work and have some beers.  They're like $45 each. " "Sure, that sound infinitely better than going to an 'expensive' bar and running up a huge tab," you respond.  After work you hop into a cab, and $15 minutes later, you're outside the local sports venue ready for fun.  Or, if you're a real saver, you take the train to the game, which is like saving $12 to be shoved into a shoe box with the entire population of a Water Country.  I hope you like the like the smell of armpits from New Hampshire.

Park Street station on game day.

Either way, here you are! Now it's time to grab a quick beer in one of the fine watering holes and get pumped for the match.  Unfortunately, everywhere is packed--but you soldier on into a packed bar where everyone is drinking aluminum bottles and staring at each other. Twenty minutes later you're signing a $20 tab for two beers and walking to the game because there isn't enough time to order food.  Fifteen minutes later, your at your seat $30 deeper in the hole after two watered down beers and some cafeteria-grade slop that costs more than a lunch special at Ruth's Chris.  Throughout your journey you've turned down several solicitations from photographers, credit card companies and corporate sponsors all desperate to enhance your experience. The next 2 - 3 hours is filled with endless Kiss 108 "jams" and TV timeouts--as well as pinching your dick until it explodes while waiting to get to the end of the period take a piss. During the end of the game you go beerless just long enough to ruin the $70 buzz you created earlier--which was the only thing that was keeping you happy.  Now it's time to leave the game $200 poorer and being eyed down by some kid from Danvers with diamond studs and fake Timberlands because he thinks you looked at his plastic girlfriend's disgusting ass.  Have fun--cab ride home is only $20.

3. Old People

How many of us have sought out life lessons from our elders.  Little do we know, never will you hear more irrational things disguised as sage advice and life experience.  Despite growing up in an era where creamed corn was a delicacy, Old People love to tell us how we should live our day to day life so that we can be as happy as them and their "condos." Old people grew up being shipped off to war for years at a time, suffering economic depression, and fighting for other rights and privileges we all take for granted.  Thus, an old person giving us advice is like learning how to build a house from a guy that sleeps in a refrigerator box. It's different for us--we have Ipods and shit.  If I wanted to know how to drive a Ferrari I wouldn't ask a mime on a unicycle who probably gets scared when he sees engine. Disclaimer: I love both my Nanas very much.

4. Rational Decisions

Don't take this one the wrong way, people shouldn't be scumbags or anything, but you know the guy I'm talking about. He majored in something practical, knows when to "call it quits" on a night out, and has everything planned out in a way that seems completely safe and normal until one of his fellow co-workers walks in an ices him with a cross-bow. Many people are dull enough that they like playing it safe, and they're happy with the Dilbert's life.  Others aren't, but their intuitive survival sense makes them risk averse in certain situations and they go with the "safe" option. "Should we buy a couch, or go on vacation?" There is usually one option that makes "sense" and one that is actually fun. With some restraint, I argue for the fun one.  No one will remember that ketchup stained couch in ten years, but memories of you shitting yourself on the way home from a bar in Ireland will last a lifetime.  Wait until you have kids to be responsible.

5. Honey Mustard Sauce

Come on, seriously. This shit isn't that good, it's just sweet mustard. Has nothing on BBQ sauce but people chow it like it makes them shit gold. Get a grip here, people.

6. Indoor Scarves

If you're wearing a scarf indoors, it's probably not because your neck is cold, but because you saw someone on Bravo do it and you consider yourself fashionable. There is a time and place for scarves, and it's never indoors unless you have to cover up a hole in your neck from smoking seventy cigarettes per day over the last forty years, and in that case, I'm sorry. Otherwise, just take the thing off and let your neck breathe, I'm sure it's being chaffed by that that corduroy blazer you're wearing.

"I am a human bottle of NyQuil."

This is a crime in misdemeanor form if you if you're wearing the scarf similar to that of an untied neck tie. It's a full-blown felony if the scarf is tied in that tight knot thing that makes your head look like a finger with a string tied around it. In that case I won't be talking to you in any circumstances because I don't trust your judgment and never want to hear what you have to say.