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Friday, September 13, 2013

Things That Chap My Ass #3


Miley Cyrus.

In a modern world that demands us all to endure the existences of Kanye West, Bobby Valentine, and that goof-ball you work with who's constantly roping you into a 15-minute story about his pet turtle from third grade that had diabetes, or how his son throws a "pissah curveball for a 8th gradah", Miley Cyrus had to go and give herself a make-over.

First of all, why the make-over?  You used to be doing just fine for yourself.  And you weren't that annoying, all things considered.  Now you're about as cute as those little dingleberries that get caught in my crack for a 36 hour span and eventually fall out in the shower.  Your new "look" is something of a cross between Madonna, Gwen Stefani, Dennis Rodman, and the troubled girl from English class senior year of high school who ended up getting into crack, got impregnated by two different guys, and now spends most of her welfare check on two packs of Pall Malls and a pint of Gordon's.

And aren't pop stars supposed to be able to sing and dance?  Your singing sucks, and your dancing makes me uncomfortable.  Not uncomfortable like, "ouch, I just sat on tack", but uncomfortable like being told by someone in the first two minutes of you meeting them that their parents got divorced because their dad turned out to be gay and was caught by their mom giving a heej to some guy in the Ground Round parking lot after hours.  ("heej" means handjob)

You really CHAP MY ASS, Miley.