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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Eats


Stop Comparing Me to Norway

There is no "quality of life" comparison to be made about the United States and some Scandinavian country with the racial diversity of a lacrosse game.

I’ve heard this argument since I was in college, but I heard it most recently on NPR from Inside Job director Charles Ferguson.  And in articles like this.  He was rambling about how the United States doesn't provide the same quality of life, infrastructure and education of countries like Sweden and Switzerland.  On paper, this may be true, but let’s apply some common sense and explain why this is total bull shit.

 
First, comparing the United States as a whole to a Scandinavian country is like comparing New York City to Concord, NH.  To make a food analogy, one city is a simmering pot of delicious mystery stew, the other is a weird-smelling white guy in hiking boots.  Norway is usually cited as having the highest quality of life. Norway is 5-fucking-million people.  5 Million.  The United States is 312 million people, which makes it some 98.4% bigger than Norway and perhaps a teensy bit harder to govern.  The commonalities between the United States and Norway are that they are both considered independent sovereign nations, and nothing else.  Different populations, priorities, economies, problems, resources, goals, responsibilities, and overall existences.  I wonder how Norway corrects their centuries of discrimination towards minorities and assimilates the constant influx of new cultures and immigrants into their society?  Because whatever they're doing, let's just do more of that.  Oh, right, Norway is all white guys named Sig that consider the Swedish an inferior race.  


Actually, it is the Viking's official position that
Swedes smell bad for hygeniac,
rather than genetic reasons.

It’s an unfair comparison with no substantive value outside allowing armchair liberals to downsize American accomplishments, and of course bolster that self-esteem of the historically insecure Nordic population.


The same goes for the other countries cited: The Netherlands, Finland, South Korea, Denmark, and Tawain.  It’s a competent government overseeing a small, homogeneous, loyal, and educated population.  It's like bitching at LA for not being as clean as Aspen, Colorado.  Fuck off.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Classic Keaton: Pacific Heights


Wait, what's your idea for this film? Michael Keaton as a psychopathic tenant terrorizing his 2 yuppy landlords to no end? Ruining their home and their relationship, not too mention their physical and mental well-being? Sign me up! Classic Keaton all the way. PEEP this shit.




"Don't FUCK with the Keaton"

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Overacting 101


Voice From The Future: "Relax, you'll realize in about 10 years from this moment that being "Guy #3" in an Adam Sandler movie is nothing to go ballistic about."


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Animals You Don't Fuck With: Episode 1

The Nile Crocodile



Class: Reptile

Location: Most parts of Africa

Notable Characteristic: Some species have been seen swimming up to 7 miles out in the ocean.

Why you don't fuck with it:  Because they are fearless, and frequently prey on humans.  Not to mention the fact that they ambush elephants that are 8 times their size.

There is not enough money in this universe to persuade me to kayak down a river in which resides these might-as-well-be-dinosaurs that are known to hunt in packs.  But you can ask this guy what that's like.  Oh wait, no you can't because HE WAS FUCKING EATEN ALIVE BY A CROC.

Hopefully that monkey on his shoulder survived though.

Or, if that didn't scare you off from prodding one of these bad asses with a stick, you can check out this insanity that includes photos of a veterinarian in Taiwan who GOT HIS FUCKING ARM RIPPED OFF AT THE FOREARM BY ONE.  Someone had to shoot the the croc twice in the neck in order for it to release the dude's arm.  It's cool though, because according to zoo officials, "The crocodile was unharmed, as we didn't find any bullet holes on its hide."
Oh.  Really?  Bullets to the neck of this thing doesn't even put a dent in its hide?  Neat.  Makes me feel real safe knowing that this carnivorous lizard tank is chillin' in the weeds somewhere on our planet.  At least I'm on a different continent.

Don't fuck with the NILE CROC.  Respect.

Public swearing outlawed in Massachusetts town

Give me a FUCKING break Middleborough.
Words can't describe how much I can't fucking stand obnoxious soccer moms with nothing better to do than pass anti-swearing legislation. It's the same cuntbags that press charges against middle school kids for for giving their dorky son a nut shot. Cause it's not like there's anything else going on in the world. People aren't hacking each other to pieces in Syria or anything.
No one dies from swearing, not to mention that it's protected by our FIRST fucking amendment. So shut the fuck up you America-hating communist BITCH!


Happy Summer Olympics!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Radiohead: Pts. 1, 2, and 3

My past week was a Radiohead binge.  One night in Boston, and two nights in New Jersey/NYC.

I think of Radiohead, who they are, what they've done, the things they've refused to do, and I begin to feel engulfed in an uproar of feelings.  Though, of all the feelings that arise, there is always one that ultimately trumps them all, and that is gratuity.

I've been following this band for so long, that at this point in my life, they are the only band that I truly "follow" anymore in a sense of that word.  Previous curiosities have always left me in wonder about even the most minute of activities of a select few bands of my ever-so-brief lifetime.  Namely, Pearl Jam, Modest Mouse, Built to Spill, and it wouldn't be fair for the Strokes to be absent from that list as well.  I have bought not one of the four aforementioned bands' most recent album.

But for the last two Radiohead albums, which the band gave away for free, I paid $10 for each of them.

Presently, I find myself asking the question, "Why would I do that?"  I don't buy albums anymore.  And I sure as hell know that Radiohead don't need the money.

So just what the heck is it that makes Radiohead so special?

Well the answer is rather quite simple, it is the answer to why I haven't bought the last Pearl Jam, Strokes, Built to Spill, or Modest Mouse records, and it will always be the universal answer as to why people will support an artist:

Because of the quality of the art being created.

And for Radiohead, they have been crafting relevant high quality art for the most uncanny length of time.  They are beginning to travel down a road that very few other artists have traveled.  It's probably safe to say that most people would agree that Radiohead's first great album was The Bends.  So between then and their most recent King of Limbs, we're talking the time period between 1995 - 2012.

That's seventeen years of mastery.  Do you realize just how unprecedented that is in music today?  Actually come to think of it, fuck just today, how about ever in the history of music?  How many other artists can you name me that have come close to that?  The Beatles were only around as a band for 8 years of recording time (although I'm pretty sure they could have done it forever if they wanted to).  You can't convince me that the Rolling Stones were making good records through the late seventies.  The only person I can think of who we can draw parallels to is Michael Jackson.

(On a side note, one might raise the argument that not all of the albums that Radiohead have made over the past seventeen years are of high quality, to which I would dispute that there are over 30 million people on this planet who would disagree with you, and that has to count for something in an argument such as the one I'm making considering we're talking about a subjective topic here.  Not to mention the fact that they sold those 30 million records having only one "big" radio hit in "Creep").

It was chillingly interesting to hear Mike McCready speak about his fear of losing his creativity in Pearl Jam's standout Single Video Thoery DVD (about the 8:30 mark), which I find notably coincidental considering that documentary was for Yield, what I consider to be their last good album.  I'd wager that musicians think about that more often than they would like to admit, and there were certainly moments when the future of Radiohead was a huge question mark in the public's eye as to whether they would or could ever release another record of such high artistic modern pertinence.  But they did, and, amazingly, they continue to do so.

In "Giving Up the Ghost" Thom Yorke couldn't be more accurate when he claims that "life seems impossible".  Everything had to happen at exactly the right time, in just the right format for all we know to have come into existence, which has always made me feel so fortunate to simply be, to have an existence in this ever precious journey we're all on.  And it always makes me happy to think that I get that about life, because I don't think that everyone comes around to realizing that in their lifetime.  Likewise, that, in a nutshell, describes how I feel about your band, Thom.  Everything in its right place.  I feel so thankful that I'm here with those I love, with you and the ones you love, and you've been able to share with all of us the great things that Radiohead has brought into this world.

So while over the last few nights, as I partook in the gentle washing of your "Separator" lyrics over and over us through the microphone, "If you think this is over then you're wrong", after all these years, I will reply that you couldn't be more right.

Thank you.